Christmas Turkey

Growing up in Canada we always had turkey for Christmas, regardless whether Christmas was at our house or at my aunts. To me turkey is synonymous with Christmas and to not eat turkey during this time, well it's just not Christmas to me. Now some families eat roast duck or goose and some eat roast beef but my family has always eaten turkey and of course ham. Ham I can do without but not turkey.



For the first seventeen years in Malaysia I have celebrated Christmas without turkey. When my husband died and the kids and I were unceremoniously kicked out of the company house we were staying in, I started to cook turkey at Christmas time in our new house. In the beginning the cost of a turkey weighing in at almost five kilos was affordable but as the years went by the cost of turkey kept going up until I was paying between $160.00 to $180.00 for a lousy turkey. The last year that I had invited around seventy people over for Christmas, I had had to buy two turkeys as one wasn't enough.That year I had forked out almost RM400.00 just for turkey. There was also the year a shortage of turkeys was being forecast and the price escalated, so this year I was beginning to think that we would not be enjoying turkey for Christmas, after all its not steak we are eating its just turkey.



The reason why I say just turkey is because in Canada turkey is cheap. This August when I was home in Canada my brother in law deep fried a whole turkey for us when we went to his place. My sister informed me that she had bought the turkey on offer for less then a dollar a pound which would make the cost of the turkey less then $10.00 Canadian or around RM30.00.
Turkey in Canada is the center of a meal for Easter and Thanksgiving as well. Everyone enjoys their roast turkey with a good home made stuffing and I have to admit that I make a good kick ass stuffing. Well at least my kids like it. Unfortunately paying almost RM200.00 for a turkey just did not sit well with me.



At first I couldn't find a turkey but this past Sunday I spotted in the newspaper that turkey was on offer in Giant for only RM18.99 per kilo for that day only. Of course I quickly got my hiney over to Giant to buy my turkey. By time I got there there weren't many left and I managed to get a bird weighing in at 4.7 kilos for only RM89.15. I grabbed one. This year for Christmas we will be having our turkey and stuffing and I can't wait. I can see myself now preparing Christmas dinner with a glass of whiskey at my side or a Bailey's Irish Creme, two excellent choices and once again Christmas will be saved.

Christmas is almost here!!

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat

Please put a penny in the old mans hat

If you haven't got a penny then a half penny will do

If you haven't got a half penny then god bless you

Yes once again the Christmas season is upon us and all I can say is "Bah Humbug"!!! I never used to feel that way, I remember as a child celebrating Christmas with snow all around and the excitement of knowing that Santa would bring us presents. My sisters and I were mercenary little things, we never thought of Christmas as having any other meaning then that, even though we knew that Christmas was the celebration of Christ's birth. No to us Christmas was about all the loot that Santa would bring us. We would wake Christmas morning at 4 am to wake our parents who had only just gone to bed after a night of a little too much Christmas cheer. We of course would get yelled at to get our asses back to bed and not to wake them again until at least 7am. We waited in our rooms in anticipation sneaking out to the kitchen once in a while to check the time. Those three hours sure did pass slowly but at least we where allowed to take our stockings to our room to check out the treasures. So there my sister and I sat on our beds eating candy impatiently waiting for 7am to arrive. No wonder we both had stomach ache every Christmas.

Christmas eve was either spent at our house or at my aunts house. I can remember the year that my father decided to climb on the roof and stomp around so we kids would think that Santa was up there. Big mistake, oh we thought it was Santa, its just that dad was drunk when he climbed up onto the roof and after stomping around for a few minutes he fell off when trying to climb down again. Lucky for him there was a pile of snow to cushion his fall not to mention that his drunken state had left him in a state of jelly. It must be true god takes care of little children and drunks.

The first eleven years of Christmas in Malaysia sucked big time. During this time we had lived with my in laws who didn't celebrate Christmas and didn't really know what it was all about. The myth of Santa was quickly destroyed when my dumb ass youngest brother in law informed my kids that there was no Santa. My kids would still be excited about the loot they would get. They were lucky that I was an early riser. During this time I hardly drank so I was not hung over. We would quickly unwrap our presents, shower and dress, take the family Christmas photo which would be sent to my family and then we would take off to one of the malls in Kuala Lumpur, walk around all day then eat Christmas dinner which was not turkey.

When we finally moved out of the house Christmas was better. We bought a bigger tree to replace the table top tree we had used year after year which had been sent over by my family. After my husband passed and we moved to another house I would buy a turkey and cook it at home and invite my in laws. This was ok until my fat ass sister in law and her fat kids started eating most of the turkey before anyone else had a chance to eat some. Not long afterwards I stopped inviting them over for Christmas. The last Christmas with my husbands family I had had to buy two turkeys to cook which is an expensive endeavor. Other then this little blip on Christmas cheer I enjoyed Christmas.

So this past Sunday we put up our tree to lack of enthusiasm. My eldest now has her own family and lives in her own place. My kids are all grown and one daughter works in Singapore. I put up the tree strung the lights and added a few gold pine cones and just sat looking at it. I didn't feel like finishing it. We went out for dinner came back watched a movie and still the tree stood there undecorated. I finally manage to rally the three who are still at home into decorating the tree.

As we all do our Christmas shopping the phone calls are incessant with questions of "What do you want"? "What size do your wear"? "What colour do you want"? The mystery of Christmas is gone and so is the Christmas spirit. Not to mention that most of us are broke. But I rally around doing my shopping and come Christmas day I'll cook the turkey and all my kids will be home. After talking to my family in Canada and a little Christmas cheer that is Canadian Club Rye Whiskey or Bailey's Irish Cream I'm sure the Christmas spirit will come.

Is it better to age gracefully or have plastic surgery done, or would you have plastic surgery done is some one else paid for it.

Ok lets face it, what woman out there wouldn't want to look like this. While most of us say we prefer to age gracefully we are only kidding ourselves. We say this because we can't afford plastic surgery or we are afraid of the pain. Now I'd like to say that yes I embrace my age and the way I look and would never have any work done but I'd be lying. If some kind soul offered to pay for me to have plastic surgery done I'd take them up on their offer in a flash.

Now its bad enough that when I roll out of bed every morning, and yes I mean roll because I can't jump out of bed anymore like a teenage girl, I must then head to the bathroom and look in the mirror while brushing my teeth and look at those huge eye bags which seem to get bigger and bigger everyday. As my eyesight begins to clear I notice that the skin on my face sags, my pores look bigger and good god are those grey hairs in my almost nonexistent eyebrows?? Damn!! I shudder. As I drag my weary ass down stairs to start the morning chores and I mean drag because the pain in my back and legs will not permit me to move any faster. Once downstairs I boil the kettle, make my coffee, plunk my ass down in my chair and contemplate life as that small amount of movement has worn me out.

Once the chores are done I head on upstairs for a shower where I can see that my butt is sagging, my boobs are sagging, my thighs are sagging and pretty much anything else that can sag is. It's a depressing sight. My hair is fifty percent grey and I have stopped dying it a few years ago because it is a pain to do it. I also notice that I have started to gain weight, I used to weigh in at a hundred and eight to a hundred and ten pounds, but now I notice that my butt is bigger and good lord where did that sagging gut come from? It's just grotesque.

I have used anti-aging skin care to no avail. Miracle in a jar, my aunts fannny! There is no such thing. So if someone were kindly to pay for me to have an overhaul, I'd grab it. I wouldn't have much done, I'd have my eye bags removed which have plagued me since my thirties, I'd have my boobs done and a little face lift. I'd have my gut removed, after five kids it's not a pretty sight. Aging gracefully, not for me if someone paid for my plastic surgery. I'll fight it every step of the way. I'd draw the line at some point though, after all I wouldn't want to look like Mary Tyler Moore when I'm in my seventies, that is a scary sight.

Women: How much progress have we really made

Since the early nineteen hundreds when women started to fight for their rights we seem to have backpeddled to some extent. While there are many women who are in positions of power, are doctors, lawyers, company owners, polititions and so on we are still expected to hold on to that job and then come home and be super mom and sexy wife.

Child rearing duties still fall to the woman, household chores are still our domain and arranging and planning activities, school enrolement and transportation to and from shool is still left up to the woman. So where is dear old dad? Dad comes home from work, complains he's had a bitch or a day then plunks his ass down in front of the television as he bellows "What's for dinner".

While cries of burn the bra went out throughout the west in the sixties we are now back to wearing our bra's especially in the work place so we won't be accused of looking too sexy, unprofessional and provoking office sexual harassment. In the workplace we still have to listen to off color sexual jokes, put up with sexual innuendo and grin and bear it for fear of looking as if we aren't good sports.

Today most women can do the same job as a man, do it just as well or better and yet we are somehow overlooked for promotions, the excuse being that we are not as reliable as a man because of our kids. Lets face it, when a child falls sick it is usually up to the woman to stay home with them because we are the nuturers. If an agreement is made between husband and wife to have one spouse stay home and one goes out as the breadwinner it is usually the wife who stays home mainly because most men can't stand to be home with the kids twenty four seven.

While most women can do anything a man can do there still has not been a women president in the States. We are still seen as sex symbols. Open any fashion magazine and you will see women dressed in skimpy clothes, outrageuos hairstyles, garish makeup and rediculous shoes, most designed by men. Let's face it sex sells. We are made to feel inadequate if we are not thin enough or pretty enough and expected to act dumb. On the flip side men walk around balding and sporting pot bellies and that's ok. In the office if a man yells and screams and pushes his weight around he is considered a go getter, if a women does the same thing she is a bitch. We are still seen as the weaker sex and violence against women is on the rise.

One thing we can't change though is the fact that we give birth to our children, we are nurturers and care givers and it ends there. Anything a man can do we can do and so much more. We are expected to now. While we can hold jobs, vote, start our own businessess, manage our own finances and buy our own house, to some extent we are still oppressed. So as the old cigarette add goes "You've come a long way baby"apparently though not far enough.

What it means to be a man

You can't live with them and you can't live without them! Yes any man reading this blog is probably thinking what the hell does she know what it's like to be a man. Your not that deep guys and it doesn't take much to make you happy. As long as you don't have to have a meaningful conversation with your significant other your cool.

Man, homo erectus in more then ways then one and I sometimes think that they haven't evolved much over the millions of years. While I may not be a man I have lived with men for all of my life. First my father, grandfather and uncle then my husband, father in law and brothers in law and my sons, so I think I have a pretty good handle on what it's like to be a man. Suck it up guys and let it be known that women have a great ability to tolerate.

When you are a man you think it's funny to fart in the car then lock the windows to let the other occupants bask in your special brand of aroma.

You like to play manly games like squashing beer cans on your head, pissing contests to see who can piss the farthest or what about the farting game.

You like to open beer bottles with your teeth because you think your teeth are indestructible.

You like to lift your shirt and show off your huge hairy belly or show of your butt crack when you bend over because wearing pants that cover your belly is too uncomfortable.

Dressing up means putting on your cleanest jeans, collar t-shirt and sneakers.

You still like to play with toys only now your toys are bigger and more expensive then they used to be.

Sitting at the traffic light you like to rev your engine so you can beat the guy beside you to the next traffic light.

You have all the fun of procreation but faint in the delivery room when your wife needs you the most.

You never ask for directions, even though you've been driving around for hours because you insist that you know where the place is.

You wash your hands before peeing but not afterwards because your member is not dirty.

You give your member a name like Goliath, Hulk, Peter or Johnny.

You never put the toilet seat down.

You never look a woman in the eye, your eyes are always at chest level.

You think housework is women's work, even though your wife works as hard as you do and by god you expect her too.

You think you can save money on household repairs by doing it yourself only to make it worse and then have to call in a repair man who charges you double to fix up your mess.

You gag when changing your kids shitty diaper, that's if we can get you to change them in the first place, and then wonder why your kid smells so bad.

You whine and complain when your sick but refuse to see a doctor.

You refuse to buy new underwear or wear new underwear and continue to wear your underwear that are full of holes and attached to the elastic waste band by a few threads because according to you they are still good or they are your lucky underwear. God forbid that your wife should throw them out.

You like to parade around the house in said underwear.

You go to a day spa get naked then stand there full frontal waiting for the female masseuse to walk in and check out her reaction.

You refuse to wear disposable underwear when you go for a massage because they are a) uncomfortable b) unmanly. Oh hell you just like to get naked.

So if that's not enough I have one more for ya, my most favorite one of all. You buy us artificial flowers for our anniversaries, birthday or mothers day because they last longer and are cheaper.

How Strict Were Your Parents

So once again I'm driving this morning and the FlyFM morning crew were asking the question "How strict were your parents"? Got me thinking about my own parents who believed that to spare the rod was to spoil the child. My parents were strict, much more strict then I am with my children. Well with the younger two I'm less strict anyway, the older three are a different story.

I can remember as a kid being made to go to bed at 7pm every night. Winter time it wasn't so bad as the days got dark early, but the summer months were the worst when it only got dark between 9:30 to 10 pm every night. My sister and I would be lying in bed wide awake listening to the neighbourhood kids running around and playing, not us though we were expected to sleep. Not surprising that every grade school teacher told my mother that I was a well rested child. My mothers reasoning was we needed our sleep as we got up at 6am everyday, no wonder since we were made to go to bed at 7pm. That's a good eleven hours of sleep every night. The reason is more likely that my mother couldn't stand to listen to us any longer.

Another thing that my mother was fanatical about was playing outside. Unless there was a blizzard, too cold for even the dog to go out or there was a rain storm our asses were kicked outside to play everyday. Winter we were bundled up, spring we wore rubber boots and rain coats if need be and summer months we ran around in shorts and sandals sometimes barefoot. If we whined that we wanted to stay indoors forget it mom's reply was "It"s too nice a day to stay indoors"! To our mother everyday was a nice day and come hell or high water we were kicked outside to get our daily dose of fresh air. At least back then the air was fresh.

Dinner time was a nightmare for my sister and I. We were what you call picky eaters. My father

was a meat and potatoes man and so that's what we had every night along with a veg. My sister and I hated potatoes and I can remember sitting at the dinner table for 2 hours as we were not allowed to leave until our dinner was done. There we would sit with rock hard cold mashed potatoes staring us in the face. After two hours my parents got fed up looking at us and we were sent to bed without our dinner. By that time it didn't matter anyways because by then it was 7pm at night, our bedtime.

For the slightest infraction we got our asses spanked. We were expected to be quiet, no running or yelling in the house and especially no fighting. My second sister and I got along just fine but sister number three was another matter. She irritated us so in turn we irritated her and she would run crying to our mother or father and of course my second sister and I got our asses whopped. We were older we were supposed to know better. I remember back when I was a kid that my father would send us to my aunts house every Saturday so my mother could visit with her sister and we could play with our cousins. Dad worked on Saturdays so we would spend the day at my aunts house and dad would pick us up on his way back home. My aunt had a neighbour who grew tulips in her garden every spring. Her whole back yard would be covered with tulips which she tended to lovingly. One Saturday my cousin and I took it into our heads to pick her tulips. We ended up picking every tulip and brought them back to my aunts house and proceeded to try and plant them in the dirt in the front. Of course when the poor old lady looked out her back door and saw all her tulips missing she began to scream and our mothers heard her. They ran outside to see what was wrong and found us in the front trying to plant the tulips. My uncle had made a nice spanking paddle to use on my cousin, he was a master craftsman with wood. That paddle was nicely shaped covered in leather and the handle had been covered with black electrical tape. I guess you know what happens next. The pair of us couldn't sit for a week. To make matters worse the tulips had no stems, we had just plucked the heads off so they couldn't even be put in a vase.

Yes my parents were strict and we grew up ok. Now a days I see a worrying trend were by kids are spoiled. They have no respect for their parents, teachers or figures of authority. Overseas it is considered child abuse to spank your kid on the ass if they are naughty. Every kid has a cell phone these days which is something which would be considered a luxury back my day now it considered an essential item every kid should have.

Death

We are born, we live and we die. Death is inevitable and no one escapes it. So when I bring up the subject of my eminent death my children grown inwardly. According to Chinese custom you don't talk about death, especially your own if you are still living.

I have informed my children that when I die I don't want them to go to any great expense, they can just throw me in a cardboard box and bury me in the back yard. I mean I can't really see why it is necessary to spend so much on a funeral when I am not around to enjoy it anyway. Of course this does not go over well with my children, probably because it is against the law to bury someone in the back yard. Also with the freshly dug earth the dog may take it into her head to dig me up. But then again my husband has a double plot, my resting place is beside him. I can see him now reaching out his boney hand patting the earth right beside him as if he is inviting me to bed. My name has already been chiseled on the headstone and is painted bright red (so as not to bring bad luck reigning on my still breathing body) and will be painted in black once my weary bones have been laid to rest. There I will lay for eternity arguing with my husband. As in death as in life. Now that sounds like a plan. I could say things to him I never dared to in life. We could have some real knock down drag out fights.

Another thing I have asked my children is what kind of religious funeral are they going to give me. I mean a Christian funeral seems pretty weird when your lying in a Chinese cemetery. Not to mention that if there actually is a God I'll probably go straight to hell for being a non believer. At a funeral I attended with my kids I asked my daughter and she informed me they'll probably do the traditional Chinese funeral with all the trappings, and crying and wailing as my body lays in the cardboard box in the Malaysian heat frying. This way I'll end up in hell first and my children will have to spend the rest of their lives praying to me and sending up offerings in order to pave my way into heaven. I wouldn't have to do a thing. I should also put it in my will (LOL what will) that I want keggers at my funeral. I want everyone who attends to get falling down drunk in remembrance of me.

When I die I hope I don't die a painful death, I hate pain. When I go I want to go painlessly in my sleep where I will not know what hit me. God forbid I die of cancer, as my poor mother did. If I have cancer I have informed my kids that I want plenty of morphine and vodka so I can spend the rest of my days in oblivion. I sure hope they don't take it into their heads to bury me in traditional Chinese garb, I want to be comfortable in the after life if there is one. Better tell them to bury me in my traditional garb that I wear around the house, a man's singlet and boxer shorts.

Twilight

So this morning I was listening to the radio and the morning crew of FlyFM were talking about the movie "New Moon". Now I have not read the books and only just recently watched the first movie "Twilight" to see what the big deal was all about and just as I suspected it is a big soppy love story. I hate love stories, so now I usually avoid reading books or watching movies that have anything to do with love. Two of my daughters have read all four books of the "Twilight" series, I have not been tempted to since I read a review by the all time best author Stephen King. Stephen King basically said that the author of the Twilight series can't write worth crap.

The morning crew were talking about the first screening of "New Moon", in Malaysia, which I think is showing today. Apparently the hero of the story Rob Pattinson sang a song for the movie and Ben, one of the morning crew, was saying that the first line of the song was "Smelly thing" and Nadia, another member, disagreed. Anyway the crew had people calling in and voting on whether the crew should play the song or not. In the end the people voted to have the song played and so I suffered through the song like the rest of the listeners.

Ok the song itself is not that bad, I can't say the same for the singer. Ben was right the first line of the song sounds like he is singing "Smelly thing". The rest of the song Rob is just mumbling through and you can't understand a bloody word he is singing. After listening to the song I was left wondering who in their right mind would let him sing that song and then produce it!! If he had been a contestant on "American Idol" Simon Cowel would have ripped him another asshole.

I've got nothing against Rob although I do think he is not as handsome as most women seem to think he is, I've seen better. I have no doubt that the bloody song will shoot to number one on Billboard because the movies are immensely popular and that sucks. In my opinion most movie stars can't sing and should stick to what they do best, acting. That way we the viewing public won't have to suffer through movies with bad singing like "Mama mia"! Don't get me started on that one!!

Flatulence

Flatulence is a normal bodily function which is deemed to be revolting in polite society. Growing up my sisters and I were taught by our parents that it was unlady like to fart at the dinner table or even worse in public. My sisters and I went through life sucking them back until we were ready to explode. As a result hearing someone fart would bring on titters of laughter and to this day I still can't hear someone fart without laughing.


So imagine my shock when I married into my husbands family and everyone around you was letting them rip left, right and center. When visiting his grandmother and the grand old lady happened to fart you didn't dare laugh as she would scold you. To the Chinese, farting is a normal process and they rationalize that to hold it in will result in stomach ache not to mention bloating. Which we all know to be true. My baby grandaughter who has the face of an angel farts like a trucker, loud, long and smelly. So what exactly is it that causes us to fart.


Flatulence happens when there is excessive gas in the stomach and the intestines causing you to burp or fart. One website says that most people produce one to three pints a day and pass gas about fourteen times a day. Excessive farting is not life threatening but it can be embarrassing for most people but not all. Hippocrates claimed that passing gas was necessary to well being and Emperor Claudius decreed that all Romans should fart whenever necessary. In France, in the 1800's, a few entertainers performed on stage, their act, farting at will and at varying degree's of pitch. They performed for sold out shows.


The primary components of gas or flatus are nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane and oxygen which sounds like a pretty leathal combination. The lovely odour is caused by trace elements of skatole, indole and compounds that contain sulfur which is produced by paticular bacteria not found in everyone. This explains why some people don't smell as bad as others. Hydrogen and methane found in flatus is what gives it it's flammable character, so maybe you can light fire to a fart.

The body does not digest and absorb all the carbs we eat such as sugar, starches and fiber so it is passed from the small intestine to the large intestine where harmless bacteria breaks it down producing hydrogen, carbon dioxide and in a third of all people methane. The people producing methane are the stinky few. These gases eventually leave the body through the rectum. Foods that produce gas in one person may not produce gas in another.


So which food should you avoid in order to prevent the unpleasantness of gas? Beans, brussel sprouts, cabbage, broccoli, assparagus and whole grains. Starches found in potatoes, corn, noodles and wheat. Rice does not produce gas. Onions, artichokes and pears as well as beer, red wine and sorbitol which is sugar found in certain foods. Soluble fiber is not broken down in the small intestine and so produces gas. Those people who are lactose intolerant can also suffer from a flatulence problem.


While flatulence may be an embarrassing subject to most people, to some it is not, especially the male population who fart at will, anywhere anytime. Many young men like to make a game of farting seeing who can fart the longest and loudest, letting off SBD's (silent but deadly) in movie theaters and elevators letting others breath in their knoxious fumes. My own son likes to fart in the car then lock all the windows letting his siblings, mother and girl friend bask in his special aroma. Shopping malls are the best places to fart, with all that noise no one can hear you but god help you if you walk through a knoxious cloud. Yes farting may be an embarrassing subject to most, but ultimately in the end it really does feel good to let her rip.

Vodka

A good quality vodka has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it and then hits you right between the eyes. Next thing you know your stumbling around wondering what happened. Vodka was originally known as aqua vitae or water of life and was originally brought to Russia by Genoese merchants passing through Russia on their way to Lithuania. As payment for the governers hospitality the merchants presented him with a few barrels of the spirit which was made of pure fermented grape juice during this time. Since the drink of the day in Russia was beer and mead, they were not impressed.


Aqua vitae made its appearance once again in Russia in 1492 which was touted as a medical cure all. The liquer was too strong to drink on its own and so it was mixed with water. Eventually Russian monestaries started making the alcoholic drink from grain. By the sixth century Russia was producing vodka and carrying it to other countries. At the end of the 15th century Ivan the third put a state monopoly on the production and selling of vodka along with all other spirits so the government made a killing.

In 1533 the first Tsar's kabak was opened which was basically a tavern where alcoholic drinks could be bought. This was patronised mainly by the Tsar's guards. The kabak was very profitable and made the Tsar lots of money with the guards drinking everynight. They also fought and played dice. No food was served so you can imagine how drunk everyone got and thats probably why they fought.


Boris Godunov the first Romanov kept the monopoly on alcohol making it even more rigid and by the seventeenth century the country was racked by revolts including revolts in the kabaks which were caused by the supervisors and their assistants abuse of power. The production and sale of vodka throughout history has changed many times alternating between making leaseholders rich or their rights being withdrawn . It was during the reign of Peter the Great, the reign of the vodka barons started and they were given sole rights to distill wine. By the eighteenth century vodka was not only distilled by the aristocratic barons but was also distilled by the state. The barons were not only allowed to distill vodka they were also exempt of paying taxes on vodka sales. The best vodkas were produced on the properties of aristocrats as they used high quality water cleaning as well as added proteins from milk and egg whites.


The home made vodkas of the day were favoured over the state distilled vodkas. The vodka was distilled three times and water and plant flavours were added as well as cherry, pears, blackberry, dill, acorn and other ingredients. In fact most aristorcratic distillers had their own brands of vodka. During the Patrotic war of 1812 due to the inflation of the rouble the state once again took contoll of vodka distillation in all of Russia except for Siberia. When Napoleon defeated Russia he took vodka back to France where the French took to it like a duck to water.


Before 1885 vodka had been sold in barrels but during this time it was introduced to the public in bottles. During the war with Japan in 1904 to 1905 prohabition was introduced and was only canelled by the Russian government in 1925. During this period the number of alcoholics was also reduced. While vodka did not originate in Russia, Russia made it what it is today.


Vodka is enjoyed by many people around the world, by some more then others. This author thinks that vodka is nector from the gods. Even though it can pack a wallop to the unsuspecting drinker, vodka is a spirit that can be mixed with many other beverages such as fruit juices, soda water with a twist of lime, soft drinks and many more, I know I've tried. It now comes in different flavours such as peach, blackberry, orange and a few other flavours I may not know about. One thing about vodka it has a clean after taste and fixes all ills.

National Toilet Day

So as I was driving my daughter to school today, to sit for her SPM, I was listening to FlyFM, my favorite station by the way, and the morning crew announced that it was national toilet day or something like that. My memory isn't too good these days and I have a tendency to forget little details, you know like waking the kids up in the morning when they ask me to the night before, but thats another story. Today we are going to talk about the toilet and where the hell would we be without it. Could you imagine sleeping with a chamber pot under your bed at night and having to dump it in the morning? Not unlike the China girls as reported in the paper who were throughing their accumulated bags of urine and crap out of their apartment window. Anyways.........

According to one website no one can agree as to who is the inventer of the flush toilet. Credit is usually given to an English man by the name of Thomas Crapper who's name adorned many toilets for many years. Returning soldiers during WWI had christened toilets the "Crapper".

Before the invention of the crapper people dumped where ever they felt like going. Eventually as man built houses he moved his toilet into his compound. Pretty soon outhouses were built or chamber pots were used rather then covering it over with dirt. As man progressed the toilet eventually made it into the house. Man soon had to deal with the smell so man had to come up with a way of disposal immediately after he was done. Toilets were then built over flowing streams and rivers to help dispose of the waste. The first sit down toilets appeared by 2500 BC in Egypt which had linking pipes. Chamber pots were still in use and during Roman times it was not unusual for guests and hosts alike to summon a slave to bring a pot so they could relieve themselves without leaving the room to continue eating and drinking.

By the 1500's AD the world was a cesspool once again with the rich dumping their waste into the water of the poor. Which of coarse led to disease. In 1738 the first flush toilets made their appearance and over the years were fine tuned . By the 1800's a sewer system was developed which helped to dispose of all that crap. From the 1880's unwards emphasis was placed on improving the look of the toilet to what it is today.

Toilet bowls come in all shapes, sizes and colours today and most malls have public toilets which is what FlyFM was talking about today. The question asked by the crew was " What is the funniest thing you have seen on the wall of the public toilet". The walls of public toilets are the canvases of wits and artists the world over. They also act as advertising where people post their phone numbers for whoever is interested. I have to tell you the best little ditty that I saw on the wall of a public toilet was in Canada.

Here I sit lonely hearted

Paid a dime only farted

Yesterday I took a chance

Saved a dime and shit my pants.

Now thats what I call poetry!

Sinister Nursery Rhymes

Nursery rhymes have been passed down through the centuries and sung by children for hundreds of years. While nursery rhymes seem to be harmless children's songs, many people do not know that most nursery rhymes are sinister in origin.

A Classic example is "Ring Around the Rosy". A nursery rhyme sung as children hold hands and skip around in a circle.

"Ring around the rosy

a pocket full of posies

Ashes, ashes

We all fall down".

This rhyme has its origins in English history during the time of the black plague. The black plague swept across Europe in 1665 which wiped out half of the population. The plague was spread by rat bites, rats which originally came from Asia on board cargo ships. Symptoms of the plague started with a fever then a bright red rash made its appearance in the shape of a ring. Of course back then they didn't have the medications we have now to treat the plague and so they carried pouches, or posies as mentioned in the rhyme, filled with sweet smelling herbs as it was thought the plague was started by foul smells. Unfortunately everyone smelled bad back then due to poor bathing habits, they bathed maybe once a year, so if that had been true the whole human race would have been wiped out long ago. Dead bodies were burned in the hopes of preventing further spread of the plague and so the term "Ashes, Ashes" refers to the ashes of the dead.

Another nursery rhyme that dates back to the Middle Ages is "Mary Mary Quite Contrary" actually alludes to King Henry the VIII's daughter, Mary Tudor or Bloody Mary as she was popularly known back then.

"Mary, Mary quite contrary

How does your garden grow

With silver bells and cockle shells

And pretty maids all in a row".

Mary's garden in the rhyme in actual fact refers to graveyards which were being filled daily with dead Protestant martyrs due to the fact that Marry was a staunch Catholic. Silver bells and cockle shells were in fact instruments of torture used on these poor souls in the hopes of persuading them to change their religion. The pretty maids all in a row are in reference to the guillotine otherwise known as "Maidens".

Another nursery rhyme which is sinister in nature is "Jack and Jill", another harmless sounding children's nursery rhyme. In fact "Jack and Jill's roots go back to France in 1795.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after".

So who are Jack and Jill? Jack is actually King Louis XVIII of France and Jill is his wife Marie Antoinette. During the French Revolution or the "reign of terror" as it is known, in 1793, poor King Louis was beheaded; in other words he lost his crown. His Queen, Marie Antoinette followed shortly after. The words of this little rhyme were eventually changed to what it is today in order to give it a happier ending so as not to scare children.

There are many more nursery rhymes which have strange sources and many of the nursery rhymes were in a scary book I had as a child, in fact just looking through the book with its scary pictures made me think of sinister things. I did learn a few rhymes at school as part of my childhood education but not in the classroom, these were learned on the playground. Many are crude, some are racist and some are just plain dirty which is probably why they haven't been written in books and passed down for prosperity. There is one that sticks in my mind though, one which I used to like to recite frequently. What can I say I was a weird kid. I don't know its origins or if it has any hidden meanings though, you be the judge.

"Birdy birdy in the sky

Dropped a white wash in my eye

I'm a big boy, I don't cry

Gee I'm glad that cows don't fly".

New Mother

Motherhood changes everything, as the new mother will eventually find out, in more ways then one. After you give birth you find that you have a new spare tire around your middle that sags, that wasn't there before. If your breast feeding your boobs end up twice even three times their original size. Then your priorities change and as you gaze into the little ones face you turn into a marshmallow.

So it was with my daughter after giving birth to her daughter. She did her confinement at home with me helping out. My daughter has always been a take charge person and that is exactly what she did, she took charge. I am proud to say she is a fine mother, although she did tell me she felt like a cow, what with breast feeding and all and I have witnessed a transformation, a hard ass woman turn into a marshmallow. She told me her daughter has turned her into a clown, because of the funny faces and silly noises she is reduced to making to entertain her child. No more drinking and partying as she is still breast feeding and home from work early so grandma can go home. As much as grandma loves the wee sprite she does have to go home and check on the two teenagers as well as do housework. Mommy is also tired from a hard day at work so doesn't feel much like partying anyway.

Once you have a baby, your life is no longer your own. Baby rules the roost and your schedule is worked around the wee one. No more spontaneity as baby's needs come first. If you want to go out you either have to drag the little one along or find a babysitter. When taking your child out you need to bring everything along except the kitchen sink and sometimes you might even need to take the kitchen sink.

Before going back to work my daughter agonised about leaving the baby as most new mothers do. I told her not worry I'm here for her and by time her maternity leave finishes she won't be able to wait to get back to work. Which pretty much turned out to be true. Mother knows. So now it is the second week since she has returned to work. Last week when I took care of the baby she was really good and slept most of the time. This weekend though she gave her mama hell. I guess it's pay back because her mommy left her with the old one that smells like cigarettes. However you slice it though, once you look into the little ones face everything is OK.

My Kids

Lord you just gotta love them, my children. When I first joined facebook my children all welcomed me. Look at mom so modern and progressive unfortunately they have changed their tune.

Child number one hasn't been on facebook in a while so the other week when we were at dinner I asked her about it. She hasn't updated since she got married. She said she didn't have time that she was too busy at work to waste her time. So I told her that next time she goes in she's in for a big surprise. All the sending of drinks, smiles, hugs and food fight requests it will take her an hour to go through it all thanks to mom.

Child number two he's cool he just ignores everything I send and once in a wee while he will comment on something I wrote. Like a helium article or this blog. He just informed me not to mention his name because a lot of his clients are on facebook.

Child number three, well I guess she hasn't been on facebook in a while and so when she went in she saw all the sending drinks, smiles, hugs and food fight request not to mention farm town which I might add is bloody addicting. She countered with "10 reasons why you shouldn't introduce your mother to facebook "which I have to admit was quite a hilarious article.

Child number four when I commented on her wall she accused me of stalking her. She told me not to send her any of that shit because she just deletes it. I told her I was just having a little fun and why the hell can't I comment on her wall. Everyone else does. I don't need to spy on her on facebook I can do that very well at home. Sheeesh ungrateful kid.

Child number five. The other day I was playing farm town and my son asked me what I was doing, so I told him. I told him it was fun would he like me to invite him on board and he said ok. A few days later I asked him if he joined yet and he said no he might have deleted it because any thing that mommy sends him he deletes. Hummph!!!!! So much for having fun with your loving family on facebook.

Now my daughters friend asked me to join mafia wars that half the Ng's were playing. I enjoy farm town its relaxing and enjoyable besides if I joined mafia wars my loving kids might leave and go to some other game.

School

So the Malaysian government is now going to revert to all subjects being taught in Bahasa, saying that children are now falling behind in Maths and Science because these subjects are taught in English.

If the kids are falling behind in these subjects I don't think we need to put the blame on the language medium it is being taught in. Put the blame on the teachers who are too lazy to learn English. That's right folks I said it. The level of teaching in the schools today has gone to hell. If the teacher were dedicated enough we wouldn't need to send our children too tuition centers.

I have been too my kids school on numerous occasions and hardly any of the teachers speak English. According to my daughter subjects that are supposed to taught in English are being taught in Bahasa because the teacher has little or no command of the English language. Now you wonder why kids are falling behind in these subject? Having English textbooks and being taught in Bahasa? Kinda stupid isn't it.

The English standard in this country has dropped drastically. Without the use of English Malaysians will not be able to compete on a global level. Those who want to study overseas in English media schools will be turned down because they do not speak English. One politician stated that Japanese children do not learn English in their schools. That's as it may be Japanese school children hardly study over seas.

Why is the Malaysian government so afraid for their people to learn English? In every Malaysian home most families usually use their mother tongue so the Bahasa Malay language will not die out. It will only die out if the people let it. My Children can speak three languages fluently. What is wrong with learning another language. As far as I'm concerned my children are the ones who benefit from being bilingual. Too bad the Malaysian government doesn't feel the same way. Thank god both my children will have graduated by 2012.

Kids again

So when your teenage daughter stands there and says "You know I love you mom" you know she wants something. Sure enough it came "Can I go to Aeon tomorrow"? With the weekend coming my ants in the pants daughter wants to go out. Of course the next question I ask is " Do you have any money"? Ya she says and that sure is a surprise to me.

Every day of the week I give them an adequate amount of money. They have breakfast at home now because I force them to eat oatmeal in the morning and take fish oil capsules (brain food) much to their chagrin. Food at school is cheap and I cook dinner at home, so they really don't need to spend much money. I give them more then enough so they should be able to save some money for weekends at the Mall. My youngest son can save his money unfortunately my teenage daughter cannot. So every time she wants to go out she wants money and twenty bucks just doesn't cut it. Now if I were working I wouldn't mind, but I'm not, so we're on a budget. My writing doesn't pull in much so there ya go.

After she asks me if she can go I of course start nagging her about studying for SPM and she pretty much tells me to chill. I mean its not like she's genius or something. I'm happy if she just passes. I don't think I'm asking for much now am I? Seems that going out with her friends is more important then passing exams.

She also reminds me she needs to pay school fees on Monday and asks me not to forget to go to the bank to withdraw the money. We didn't pay at the beginning of the year because the schools couldn't decide how much they were going to rip us off for this year. I mean they get free text books now, no more school fees and no more exam fees so why do I have to pay $120.00 in fees. Parent Teacher Association? It's not like they do anything and I have to fork out money for it? Just last month my son's school stuck me for a hundred over as well. So much for no more school fees and I would like to know what the hell am I paying for?

Side Tracked

So what the hell is it about face book I ask you. I opened my account for purely mercenary reasons. So that I could post my helium articles and blog to get more readers to my sites and earn more money.

Well I kinda got side tracked with all the little games they have. Send a hug, send a smile, send a drink (the best), food fight, beta farm ( don't really know what the hell I'm doing) and today it is a reading link. Half the books I have not read because books are expensive in Malaysia. An American friend online tells me there are sites you can go to and read free books. I'll have to check them out but frankly with my helium writing, my face book and checking email I don't have the time.

Busy busy busy who knew you could be so busy sitting on your butt all day long. Robyn says I'm addicted to face book, I wouldn't say addicted but I do check it before I start writing everyday. I just hope I don't end up on it all day sending back smiles, hugs, drinks, food, and checking my farm which the other day I noticed that my potatoes all died. Hell I didn't even know I had potatoes growing on my farm. I have plenty of trees and a cute little sheep running around eating the grass. So better learn more about beta farm, I did manage to save my apples, pears, oranges and lemons and put them in storage to sell in the future. That's if I can ever find the bloody market I'm supposed to sell them at!

On a brighter note I just sold an article on Helium. I'm so happy.

The Weather

I have been informed by my sister that the weather in Canada is cold and they have had only one week of really hot weather. What I'd like to know is what the hell happened to the weather.

The last time I went home ten years ago we went in the middle of May to the middle of June. In Canada that is considered late spring and the weather should be warm. When I arrived it was bloody cold. I remember going to the lake with my sister and my kids and we were wearing sweaters, pants, socks and shoes and we were freezing and yet there were some crazy Canadians sunbathing on the beach!!! My sisters and their families were wearing shorts and looking at us like we were the crazy ones. So this time I am going in the middle of summer and yet again the weather is cold. Is someone trying to tell me something???

After living in this hot tropical county called Malaysia for the past twenty seven years anytime it falls below twenty five degrees Celsius we freeze. Two of my sisters have a swimming pool in their back yard and so one of my sisters asked me to bring my swimsuit. I don't have one I told her I haven't swam in years. After five kids and a little added weight, me in a bathing suit is just gross. My sis says never mind its only in the back yard, they all swim. She does have a point my sister are all heavier then I am. Problem is my son will be there and I don't want him choking on his beer when he gets a look at me and my sisters in a swim suit. Not a pretty sight. We could be poster girls LOL.

There's a thought when I go home and we all swim I can get him to take a picture and then I can post it on my Face Book. No one will ever view my site again because the sight of us in bathing suits will burn out their corneas. If the weather doesn't warm up though there will be no swimming for me and my new bathing suit will have gone to waste. When I told my son that I bought a suit he asked if I bought a bikini like I used to wear when I was slim and svelte. I saw him shudder as he asked. No I said I bought a two piece and the top is long like a singlet with square shaped bottoms. No more skimpy bikinis for me that's for sure.

If the weather doesn't warm up though he won't have to worry because I won't even put a toe in the water. In Canada the water never warms up unlike in Malaysia where the water is like swimming in warm piss. If the weather does warm up well I guess my son will just have to chug down lots of beer.

Delays Delays Delays

My impending trip to Canada has been delayed. Not because of anything on my part but my son has been having trouble with the Canadian immigration. So now it seems he needs to apply for a Canadian passport.

If they had given us the correct information in the first place we wouldn't have had to wait. I was planning to leave this coming Sunday but now we can't go until the beginning of August. It's so irritating as I have my clothes all ready to pack.

I just called my sister to inform her of this new turn of events. She is worried about telling my mom. Mom is expecting us next week. I told her it's not that we aren't coming its just been delayed. Everyone at home can't wait. We haven't seen each other for ten years. Mom will be disappointed but its due to circumstances out of our control.

I guess everything in life never goes as planned. There's always some obstacle in our path that prevents us from doing things. The stubborn over come them the weak just roll over. My motto is when life gives you lemons, make lemonade and add a big dollop of Vodka.

Motherhood

Well I have to say I never thought that my eldest daughter would take to her impending motherhood. Last week she and the hubby had a couple of days off together and she wanted to go out baby shopping. No not buy a baby but buy clothes and all the other millions of things you need for the little one. Unfortunately hubby was not into that and was more interested in looking at his boys toys. Of course she calls me up all upset because she doesn't know what to buy and needs her momma to help her. So we made arrangements to go and buy baby stuff. She is now seven months along and starting to panic that the child will be born into the world and she will have nothing for it to wear.

Yesterday afternoon we went. At first it was supposed to be me and her. Her sister who is home from Singapore wanted to go and then my two younger ones wanted to go. The younger two not really interested in baby clothes but they thought it was a good opportunity to wrangle something out of one of us at the mall. I know my kids so well. We got to her place and I find out her hubby wants to go along as well. Ok never mind let him go.

After arriving at the mall my pregnant daughter announces she's hungry and will faint if she doesn't eat. Since being pregnant she needs to eat several times a day. She also informs me that all the clothes she bought to wear when she got pregnant don't fit any more and she needs to buy some new ones. I told her to wear those tent dresses but she refuses, just not her style.

So I told them the best place to buy baby stuff is Jaya Jusco. It won't cost you an arm and a leg like those specialty shops. Within an hour I had baby shopping all done. Its so easy when you know how and it's not your credit card that's paying for it. I noticed though as I threw stuff into the basket her hubby's jaw kept dropping until it was down to his knees. He kept asking do we really need this mom and what's this for mom. I assured him that yes everything in the basket will be needed. We spent the rest of the day walking around looking at clothes and she got some more pregnant clothes to wear. After all she has to visit clients and needs to look half decent. We all had dinner at a Thai food restaurant. She called her brother and girlfriend to join us. My younger two managed to wrangle something for themselves and I managed to buy much needed shorts and three quarter pants for my impending trip home to Canada because I have nothing to wear. I've gained weight and most of my clothes don't fit. I guess that's what happens when your on the computer everyday all day long churning out articles. You get a fat ass from lack of exercise.

Getting home I was exhausted. I don't usually shop all day long as I said I'm usually on my ass for most of the day. But never mind my baby who is having a baby is happy and contented once again.

Rise of the Machines

Every where you look today we use machines. We have computers, cell phones, answering machines and VCD players. Their all very confusing to a person like me born in the late fifties.

When I was growing up we didn't have computers. They were a mystery to me but now I have pretty much got it down. Not to a fine art mind you but I am beginning to know my way around. I have yahoo mail, my blog, face book and I write on an online sight. When I use the keyboard I type the way I was taught to type in typing class at high school. When I observe my kids typing they use two fingers max and type faster then I do. Every now and then I have to check my fingers are placed on the correct keys if not gibberish comes out and I have to back space.

When using my hand phone I know how to call, I can send text messages. One simple message can take me 10 minutes to type. It sucks. I observe my children blithely messaging away without even looking at what they are doing. My sister informs me that it take her an hour to type out a message on her hand phone. At least I'm better then her. Now they have this new thing out called twitter. The other day I asked my son what the hell is twitter. He told me it's an instant messaging system. For instance you can type "I'm taking a dump" and all your contacts will receive the message. Why the hell would you want everyone to know your taking a dump I ask you. Hand phones today have everything imaginable, cameras, GPS tracking, is that correct or is it GSP I don't know all I know is your hand phone can now tell were to go. Maybe one day your hand phone will tell you were you can get off. They even have mini computers. You can read your email, face book and yes you can twitter. Hell with the way hand phones are now you don't even have to go to the office.

The VCD player, well I still have trouble with that one. All the remotes have weird symbols on them that the manufacturer expects you to understand. Well I don't. I don't even know how to turn on my damn VCD player. If I want to watch a DVD I have to ask my kids to turn it off and on for me. Like I'm some moron or something.

Answering machines can be a pretty good thing to have if you actually care who called you at home during the day while you were out. My sisters and mom each have one so they can screen their calls. Why do they have to screen their calls. What sinister person are they expecting to call them. The bank saying your over extended? Or maybe the credit card company. I know every time I call one of my sisters or mom in Canada I get their answering machines. Hell my one sister doesn't even answer her phone most of the time any way. Hell she doesn't even check her messages. Why? According to my other sister they all have hand phones. Well jeez didn't they ever think that I might call once in a while just to say hi. Guess not.

Anyway I'm now waiting to see what they can do next with the hand phone. Probably make it smaller so people like me can't even text a message because of my sausage like fingers.

Writing

Why do I write? Is it to get my thoughts down on paper? Is it because I've always wanted to be a writer? No and No. My reasons for writing are not so noble. My writing is for purely mercenary reasons and my blog is to rant and rave and vent.

So now that I have joined helium every month I write my ass off trying to earn money. Since I am at home everyday you would think that I have lots of time to write. Unfortunately that is not the case. Every time I turn around Robyn or Jordan wants me to drive them somewhere. It's irritating and pisses me off.

If I could sit at the computer for the whole day, put in my 9am to 5pm writing time I could probably write in my blog everyday as well as write two or three articles. There is always something. Like housework, dogs want to eat, then need to clean their shit, ironing, laundry and everything else in between. It never ends. I in the end become frustrated and irritated and just feel like drinking.

I have often thought about writing a novel. Yes in my fondest day dreams I would churn out the great Canadian novel. Fat chance that ever happening. As soon as I have my chain of thought going someone always interrupts me.

Yes the life of a writer or would be writer sounds so academic but in fact it is frustrating as hell.

Report card day

I really hate report card day. Not my report card but my teenage daughters. My sons report card day was last Friday and yesterdays was Robyn's.

So why I hate report card day is I have to change out of my usual attire of men's boxers and singlet and put on a proper t shirt with sleeves and a decent pair of pants or shorts just to see a teacher who can't speak English and see how bad my daughters marks are. Not to mention that I usually sweat my ass off. I look at the teacher, she looks at me, we smile. I then look at the report card and frown. Then I look at Robyn and try to say something about the report card but frankly I've given up. I mean what can you say. I usually mutter "well you better start pulling your socks up and concentrate more" or "I don't know why the hell I bother to send you to tuition", something anal like that. It's not like I'm going to kick her butt around the classroom in front of her teacher and friends is it? I mean I don't expect you to get a scholarship. God forbid my life should be so easy. But please at least try.

I now have come to the point where I tell her that if she fails better for me, that way I don't have to fork out an arm and a leg for college tuition fees. Now that's a thought. She can go and work Jaya Jusco her whole life. Then I can use her college money to buy a new car. Hell the more I think about it the better I like the sounds of that.

Robyn tells me her teacher hates her. But every time I go for report card day the teacher doesn't even say anything. I guess she's pretty much given up on Robyn or she just can't find the words to express how she feels. I mean if you know Robyn you know what I mean. I suspect the teacher is just biding her time until the end of the year and she will not have to see Robyn no more. As for me Robyn will be with me the rest of my life. Now don't get me wrong I love Robyn to bits. She just tries my patience.

Like the time just before Chinese New Year I was cleaning house and Robyn calls me and demands that I pick her up from school because she is not feeling well. I had not yet bathed and was still in my sleeping attire of boxer shorts and singlet. I have some for night wear and some for day wear. At my age who gives a shit I just want to be comfortable. Anyway I went straight to the school without changing or showering because it was an EMERGENCY according to her. Of course when I get there I have to go to the office and sign her out of school. As I walked through the school yard with messy hair wearing my boxers and singlet everyone turned to look. Do I care? No but I sure hope Robyn was embarrassed. In fact a few month back Robyn complained to me that the discipline teacher was complaining about the way I was dressed. So I informed her next time give me time to shower and change before I pick you up.

The morning of report card day as I drop her off at school she turns to me and says "hey mom dress properly when you come and pick up my report card."

Going Home

Next month I will be going home for a visit. This will be my second visit home in twenty seven years. This is not a happy trip as I found out last month that my mother has a cancerous brain tumour and lung cancer. Can't have one she gets hit with a double whammy. Since I cannot make many trips home I have decided it is better if I go while she is alive and lucid, I hope, rather then go home for her funeral. I do not have a good feeling about this as she went through triple bypass a few years back.

My eldest son and his girlfriend will be accompanying me. That means there will be no one at home with the two teenagers so I have asked one of my in laws to come and stay with them. I'm still nervous though. I am afraid that while I'm away there will be a constant war in the house between Robyn and Jordan, Robyn and the uncle, Jordan and the uncle and Robyn and Jordan ganging up on the uncle. God I'm glad I won't be here to witness that.

Another thing I'm worried about is coming home to a big mess in the house. I'll be gone for two weeks so I hope I don't come home to a three inch pile of hair on the floor because no one bothered to sweep and mop. I'm funny that way my floor needs to be swept and mopped everyday. After all I have four dogs, three of which are inside the house. That's another thing I worry about. Will they remember to feed the dogs. I don't want to come home to four dead dogs with their leg chewed off , a dead cat and a dead bunny with piles of shit in his cage. Oh yeah and piles of shit in the driveway for me to step in when I get home.

I love my kids but I have to admit they are lazy and don't do anything unless I yell at them three or four times. When you do ask them to do something they always whine about how come I have to do everything and my brother or sister which ever the case may be, doesn't have to do anything. Which is stupid because I'm the idiot that does everything.

After informing them of their grandmothers illness and that I was going to Canada to see her my teenage daughter asks me to buy her some clothes like I'm going on vacation or something. Can't really blame them for not having much emotion when it comes to grandma in Canada they've only seen her twice. The last being ten years ago.

It's a long trip good thing my son is following. I have made the trip a few times and I hate it. I hope the weather is warm, I can't stand the cold. Hopefully I don't catch the virus, that's all I need.

Micheal Jackson

So as I was driving my kids to school this morning I heard that Micheal Jackson had suffered from a cardiac arrest and was hospitalized. In Malaysia we don't have the up to date news so the morning crew on FlyFm were not sure if he had died or not.

As soon as I got home I turned on CNN and sure enough Micheal was dead at 50. It was a bit like a punch in the gut really, as Micheal and I were born in the same year, he just looks better and younger then I do. I felt the tears prickle at the back of my eyes. I refused to cry though as if I did I would have humongous eye bags. It seems Micheal was addicted to prescription drugs. It is sad to think that such a musical icon is dead at such a young age.

I remember when the Jackson 5 started singing and I had been at a toss as to who I liked better, was it the Osmond's or the Jackson 5. Then Micheal came out with his song Ben and he blew the Osmond's out of the water. There was a few years when we didn't hear from the Jackson 5 but in the late seventies Micheal made a big come back and I have loved him ever since. His music rocked the world and the vibes were felt all the way to Malaysia. He had been so handsome back then but over the years he changed and became weird. I think he looked his best in the eighties and early nineties.

Then there was the child molestation allegations which sickened me because I have children of my own. I could not believe he could do such a thing. After that bad press or bad luck, just followed him. The Chinese have a saying, a person during their lifetime will have seven years good luck and seven years bad luck. I guess Micheal just hit his bad luck stage.

He was getting ready for a comeback tour when he died so he could have been entering his good luck stage again, or is it still bad luck since he died. What ever skeletons come out of the closet now that he is dead doesn't matter anymore, the world has lost one of the greatest entertainers of our time and any other shit that comes out will be like water under the bridge. So fair well Micheal you have entertained us for many years. You will be missed. May you rest peacefully at last.

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD

So last month I saw in the newspaper that a 66 year old woman in Britain had invitro done so she could have a baby. The photo was of a women about eight months into the pregnancy. She looked pretty good for her age but don't ya think she's getting a little long in the tooth to be having a baby! As doctors in Britain refused to do it she went out of the country to have it done. Now I'm assuming she's not married as it doesn't mention a husband, maybe he already kicked the the bucket.

If she wanted to have a baby why didn't she do it while she was still in the sweet bloom of youth. To become pregnant at 66 is ludicrous. I mean most people retire at 65. When the kid is in its 20's she'll be 86. Raising children is hard work, you need to have some stamina and have your wits about you. I'm 51 this year and the thought of having another baby makes me want to wet my pants. Incontinence.

You have to be on top of things all the time, those little things will have ya coming and going. At my age I already have trouble with my memory. I can walk into a room three or four times before I remember why I went into the room in the first place. What if she suffers from Alzheimer's and forgets the baby, or leaves the baby in the super market. I know I'd be afraid of that happening.

She's said the doctor gave her a clean bill of health, she's always taken care of herself and she's never felt better. Well you wait lady by time you have the kid you'll be lucky if you don't have a heart attack on the delivery table. Not to mention that by the time the kid goes to school every one will think you it's grandmother. That kid will run you ragged and before you know it you'll be kicking yourself in the butt for doing it in the first place and wonder why you didn't opt to live out your life in peace and quiet.

Hot as Hell

God the weather now adays is enought to make your scream. It is so goddamn hot. I do not have aircon in my living room to as I sit and write everyday I have sweat pouring down my face. I have sweat pouring between my boobs and I have sweat pouring between my butt cheeks. I know not a pretty picture but I just had to say it. IT'S HOT AS HELL AND I'M NOT HAPPY!

To make matters worse my to teens are home for two week mid term break so that makes it even more suckier. I can't concentrate when they have the tv blaring away. They don't even sit and watch one particular show they have to channel surf and ususally ends up on MTV. I don't mind MTV what I hate is channel surfers. Why the hell can't people sit and watch one goddamn show is beyond me. Why do people have to channel surf. I'll be sitting hear with half an ear on the tv while trying to think, I all of a sudden get interested in a programe they have started to watch then next thing you know its gone, they have changed the channel once again! Why can't they do something more constructive with their time like I don't know, study. One is sitting for SPM this year and the other is sitting for PMR and believe me neither one of them is Einstien.

Nope they'd rather spend their time irritating me and channel surfing while I'm sitting at my puter sweating my arse off and getting more irritated by the minute. If their not channel surfing then their bugging me to let them go somewhere and I usually have to drive. Like hello do you think I have all the time in the world to be driving your guys around.

This morning I got up and my whole body is aching. Feels like someone threw me on the floor and put the boots to me. My legs ache, my ass aches, my hips ache, my shoulders ache. God everything aches. I'm having trouble just sitting here now and writing my blog. All I can say is I can't wait for them to go back to school, I can't wait for it to rain so I can sit in my chair at my computer and not feel like I pissed my pants!

Spa Treat

Mothers Day my son got me a gift certificate for a facial and a body massage, just what the doctor order. I love a good massage and a facial can't hurt either I am getting older and need all the help I can get. So last week I called and booked the appointment which was yesterday.

Now the facial was pretty good and they talked me into adding another RM68.00 for a machine treatment for my sagging skin. Hey anything to look younger. They actually informed me it would last for three days but I figure the effects must have worn off once they cleansed off the mask cause my face is still sagging. The massage on the other hand was a nightmare. Considering the amount of money my son forked out for this treat, I felt like asking for my money back. I don't know where the masseuse trained but the massage with a capital S, Sucked big time.

I mean if your going to charge almost RM150 for a one hour massage I expect the masseuse to be next to excellent. I've had RM50.00 massages that were better then that. Good thing I'm polite or I would have been telling the girl how to do massage. The girls I trained gave better massages then this girl did.

Of course once my treatment was done and they had me sitting with a glass of water and asking for payment, the extra RM68.00 for the machine treatment which was supposed to make me look younger, they asked if I wanted to purchase a package. No thanks I said, hell I don't need to be forking out RM1000 over to go and be tortured thank you very much. I can stay at home and be tortured by my kids. For free.

Quote of the day

So I was telly the other night, a comedy show and the mother says with a totally straight face, "The reason why we have kids is so we won't be so afraid of dying." I nearly burst a gut when I heard that one in fact I want to make that quote my own.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids but somehow or other they manage to piss me off everyday of the week. The older three are ok it's the younger two. Now Jordan the baby of the family has the worst luck I have ever seen not to mention he's goddamn clumsy. Must be inherited from my side of the family. Last month he managed to get himself robbed. Lost two hand phones, his wallet with IC and managed to get hit on the head by the two thugs that robbed him. A week before that his bicycle along with two of his other friends was stolen from the tuition center. They were all three locked together and the chain was cut. Then last Friday he took his other old hand phone to school and it was confiscated. Tuesday I went to the school to claim back his phone and I also went and picked up his new IC. Last month he cycled out on his other bike, and got a flat tire and it's still sitting in the front with a flat tire. He tells me he doesn't have luck with bikes. I wanna tell him "boy you don't have luck with anything." I worry about that boy luckily I'm home to fetch him to and from school and tuition.

Robyn on the other hand what can I say. I noticed on her facebook she took some quiz to find out what God she is and it turns out she's Satan. Well hell I coulda told ya that! No need to take a quiz. Yesterday her tuition is canceled and she wanted to go to Chi Liung any way to meet her friend. I said no. Five o'clock she was ready to go. I said to her "I thought I said no" then she launches into her repetitive song and dance on how I always fetch her brother everywhere he wants to go and that I always let him go out. That woman has short term memory. She forgets that she hangs out at the mamak after her tuition every week, she's never home on the weekends, well maybe one, the weekend I spent at my other daughters house while her husband was at some retreat, she didn't have a ride and she won't ask her brother. So I just grabbed my keys and wallet and sunglasses and sent her. I mean how do you argue with Satan?

So next week school holidays start and they will be off for two weeks. God I hate this. She tells me she's going to spend the two weeks studying for her SPM. Uhha I say, right. Yes she insists she is going to study. Well we'll just see. I can see the writing on the wall. She'll end up bugging my ass to let her go out everyday. Because there is one thing I'm sure of Satan is predictable.

Neighbours do we really need them

So living in a link house your neighbours are only a fence away. For me personally I'd prefer them to be two miles away. Maybe it's just me being cranky I really don't bother much about my neighbours and what they do, I'm not the nosey bitch who lives next door. I am not a bosom buddy to my neighbours some I'm not on speaking terms.

The neighbour to my left is ok. A young family with three little boys. Husband and wife work so they have a maid. The boys are actually good boys and are polite, but regular as clock work they'll be out in the front of the house either playing badminton or kick ball at five o'clock in the evening. That doesn't bother me, what bothers me is the ball or shuttle cock ends up in my yard like every five minutes and then they stand outside and holler at me to get the damn ball or shuttle cock. I have told them to come in and get it themselves but as soon as they hop the fence my dogs start barking like hell. My one dog does not like them and I don't know why and they are afraid of the dog. When they are playing outside I keep my dogs in the house as I know the boys are afraid of them and I really want to put my foot down the dogs throat when she keeps barking.

Then there is the neighbour on my right. An old couple who's kids are grown up. Three are living in the States and the eldest son is still at home. My Great Dane can't stand the old bitch and neither can I. The problem with her is that my Dane charges her every time he sees her pop her head over the fence. The fence is high enough that the dog can't jump over it is also high enough so I don't have to see her. Many times I have been out in the back hanging clothes only to look up to this face with wild hair staring cock at me. Goddamn she scares me no wonder she scares the dog. Knowing her when she is watering her trees she probably sprays my dog. One day when I was in the kitchen the dog was barking I looked out into the back and saw her with a big stick banging the top of the fence. Now this is my back yard which is all fenced in and I think that I should be able to let my dog run free. If I walk her some neighbours complain so I have given up walking her.

Another thing I don't understand. The son got married last year and I never see his wife. He bought a house a few doors down from his parents and renovated it. It's a beautiful home and yet he still goes home to mommy's house every night and I have not seen his wife since they got married. Oh sure shortly after the wedding she was their for like a week but after that never saw her again. Most probably can't stand the mother in law. I mean after all three of her kids studied in the States and never came back. A lot of mornings I can hear her and her eldest son arguing. That's gotta give you an idea about what kinda woman she is.

If I had the money I would build my fence higher so she can't stand at the fence staring into my backyard. Talk about nosey. She better leave my dog alone or I'll cut down her damn pine tree that drops needles all over my back yard. Yep neighbours should be at least two miles away.

I Joined Face Book

Now this is really a bitch. I just noticed that my last blog entery has a spelling error in the title and I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it and it's irritating the hell out of me!!! Damn!!!

Anyway the other day I joined Facebook for strictly mercenary reasons, to promote my articles on Helium and try to generate more money. LOL Robyn thinks I joined to stalk her what the hell. I don't need to stalk her on Facebook I can do that very well at home. Just because I commented on one of her enteries. I thought you were supposed to comment when the mood arose or why else would they have the stupid little comment button if they didn't want you to comment. She commented "nothing much to do today" and I commented back "why don't you study". Now is that any reason for her to get her panties in a bunch ?huh !I ask you. I asked for her email address before so I could send her some good jokes she said I don't need it. WTF its not like I can go in and read her emails. Hell if I want I can read her blogs and I can see what she writes on Facebook all her bloody conversations she has with her friends turn up in my email inbox. Geeze Louise. Kids are so paranoid.

Anyway I'm getting the hang of Facebook getting to know my way around luckily its not that difficult. Managed to post two articles. So far only my son has read one that figures. My supporter. Robyn will read it to make sure I don't talk about her, she gives so much material to write about. Today when I went inside I noticed two people wanted to be added to my list of friends. One was my cousin in Canada and another is this man with a lot of hair on his face. Don't know if I should add him or not. My son says to be careful as there are alot of con artists on Facebook. Maybe I will add him after all I'm not that stupid to be conned. Every day I get Nigerian emails asking me to share in millions all I have to do is give them my details. Right like thats going to happen. One of my friends got conned. I warned her but would she listen no. Dumb ass. She said she was in love. Now I ask you how the hell do you fall in love with some asshole you just met online and talked too for a few months???? Go figure.