How Strict Were Your Parents

So once again I'm driving this morning and the FlyFM morning crew were asking the question "How strict were your parents"? Got me thinking about my own parents who believed that to spare the rod was to spoil the child. My parents were strict, much more strict then I am with my children. Well with the younger two I'm less strict anyway, the older three are a different story.

I can remember as a kid being made to go to bed at 7pm every night. Winter time it wasn't so bad as the days got dark early, but the summer months were the worst when it only got dark between 9:30 to 10 pm every night. My sister and I would be lying in bed wide awake listening to the neighbourhood kids running around and playing, not us though we were expected to sleep. Not surprising that every grade school teacher told my mother that I was a well rested child. My mothers reasoning was we needed our sleep as we got up at 6am everyday, no wonder since we were made to go to bed at 7pm. That's a good eleven hours of sleep every night. The reason is more likely that my mother couldn't stand to listen to us any longer.

Another thing that my mother was fanatical about was playing outside. Unless there was a blizzard, too cold for even the dog to go out or there was a rain storm our asses were kicked outside to play everyday. Winter we were bundled up, spring we wore rubber boots and rain coats if need be and summer months we ran around in shorts and sandals sometimes barefoot. If we whined that we wanted to stay indoors forget it mom's reply was "It"s too nice a day to stay indoors"! To our mother everyday was a nice day and come hell or high water we were kicked outside to get our daily dose of fresh air. At least back then the air was fresh.

Dinner time was a nightmare for my sister and I. We were what you call picky eaters. My father

was a meat and potatoes man and so that's what we had every night along with a veg. My sister and I hated potatoes and I can remember sitting at the dinner table for 2 hours as we were not allowed to leave until our dinner was done. There we would sit with rock hard cold mashed potatoes staring us in the face. After two hours my parents got fed up looking at us and we were sent to bed without our dinner. By that time it didn't matter anyways because by then it was 7pm at night, our bedtime.

For the slightest infraction we got our asses spanked. We were expected to be quiet, no running or yelling in the house and especially no fighting. My second sister and I got along just fine but sister number three was another matter. She irritated us so in turn we irritated her and she would run crying to our mother or father and of course my second sister and I got our asses whopped. We were older we were supposed to know better. I remember back when I was a kid that my father would send us to my aunts house every Saturday so my mother could visit with her sister and we could play with our cousins. Dad worked on Saturdays so we would spend the day at my aunts house and dad would pick us up on his way back home. My aunt had a neighbour who grew tulips in her garden every spring. Her whole back yard would be covered with tulips which she tended to lovingly. One Saturday my cousin and I took it into our heads to pick her tulips. We ended up picking every tulip and brought them back to my aunts house and proceeded to try and plant them in the dirt in the front. Of course when the poor old lady looked out her back door and saw all her tulips missing she began to scream and our mothers heard her. They ran outside to see what was wrong and found us in the front trying to plant the tulips. My uncle had made a nice spanking paddle to use on my cousin, he was a master craftsman with wood. That paddle was nicely shaped covered in leather and the handle had been covered with black electrical tape. I guess you know what happens next. The pair of us couldn't sit for a week. To make matters worse the tulips had no stems, we had just plucked the heads off so they couldn't even be put in a vase.

Yes my parents were strict and we grew up ok. Now a days I see a worrying trend were by kids are spoiled. They have no respect for their parents, teachers or figures of authority. Overseas it is considered child abuse to spank your kid on the ass if they are naughty. Every kid has a cell phone these days which is something which would be considered a luxury back my day now it considered an essential item every kid should have.

Death

We are born, we live and we die. Death is inevitable and no one escapes it. So when I bring up the subject of my eminent death my children grown inwardly. According to Chinese custom you don't talk about death, especially your own if you are still living.

I have informed my children that when I die I don't want them to go to any great expense, they can just throw me in a cardboard box and bury me in the back yard. I mean I can't really see why it is necessary to spend so much on a funeral when I am not around to enjoy it anyway. Of course this does not go over well with my children, probably because it is against the law to bury someone in the back yard. Also with the freshly dug earth the dog may take it into her head to dig me up. But then again my husband has a double plot, my resting place is beside him. I can see him now reaching out his boney hand patting the earth right beside him as if he is inviting me to bed. My name has already been chiseled on the headstone and is painted bright red (so as not to bring bad luck reigning on my still breathing body) and will be painted in black once my weary bones have been laid to rest. There I will lay for eternity arguing with my husband. As in death as in life. Now that sounds like a plan. I could say things to him I never dared to in life. We could have some real knock down drag out fights.

Another thing I have asked my children is what kind of religious funeral are they going to give me. I mean a Christian funeral seems pretty weird when your lying in a Chinese cemetery. Not to mention that if there actually is a God I'll probably go straight to hell for being a non believer. At a funeral I attended with my kids I asked my daughter and she informed me they'll probably do the traditional Chinese funeral with all the trappings, and crying and wailing as my body lays in the cardboard box in the Malaysian heat frying. This way I'll end up in hell first and my children will have to spend the rest of their lives praying to me and sending up offerings in order to pave my way into heaven. I wouldn't have to do a thing. I should also put it in my will (LOL what will) that I want keggers at my funeral. I want everyone who attends to get falling down drunk in remembrance of me.

When I die I hope I don't die a painful death, I hate pain. When I go I want to go painlessly in my sleep where I will not know what hit me. God forbid I die of cancer, as my poor mother did. If I have cancer I have informed my kids that I want plenty of morphine and vodka so I can spend the rest of my days in oblivion. I sure hope they don't take it into their heads to bury me in traditional Chinese garb, I want to be comfortable in the after life if there is one. Better tell them to bury me in my traditional garb that I wear around the house, a man's singlet and boxer shorts.

Twilight

So this morning I was listening to the radio and the morning crew of FlyFM were talking about the movie "New Moon". Now I have not read the books and only just recently watched the first movie "Twilight" to see what the big deal was all about and just as I suspected it is a big soppy love story. I hate love stories, so now I usually avoid reading books or watching movies that have anything to do with love. Two of my daughters have read all four books of the "Twilight" series, I have not been tempted to since I read a review by the all time best author Stephen King. Stephen King basically said that the author of the Twilight series can't write worth crap.

The morning crew were talking about the first screening of "New Moon", in Malaysia, which I think is showing today. Apparently the hero of the story Rob Pattinson sang a song for the movie and Ben, one of the morning crew, was saying that the first line of the song was "Smelly thing" and Nadia, another member, disagreed. Anyway the crew had people calling in and voting on whether the crew should play the song or not. In the end the people voted to have the song played and so I suffered through the song like the rest of the listeners.

Ok the song itself is not that bad, I can't say the same for the singer. Ben was right the first line of the song sounds like he is singing "Smelly thing". The rest of the song Rob is just mumbling through and you can't understand a bloody word he is singing. After listening to the song I was left wondering who in their right mind would let him sing that song and then produce it!! If he had been a contestant on "American Idol" Simon Cowel would have ripped him another asshole.

I've got nothing against Rob although I do think he is not as handsome as most women seem to think he is, I've seen better. I have no doubt that the bloody song will shoot to number one on Billboard because the movies are immensely popular and that sucks. In my opinion most movie stars can't sing and should stick to what they do best, acting. That way we the viewing public won't have to suffer through movies with bad singing like "Mama mia"! Don't get me started on that one!!

Flatulence

Flatulence is a normal bodily function which is deemed to be revolting in polite society. Growing up my sisters and I were taught by our parents that it was unlady like to fart at the dinner table or even worse in public. My sisters and I went through life sucking them back until we were ready to explode. As a result hearing someone fart would bring on titters of laughter and to this day I still can't hear someone fart without laughing.


So imagine my shock when I married into my husbands family and everyone around you was letting them rip left, right and center. When visiting his grandmother and the grand old lady happened to fart you didn't dare laugh as she would scold you. To the Chinese, farting is a normal process and they rationalize that to hold it in will result in stomach ache not to mention bloating. Which we all know to be true. My baby grandaughter who has the face of an angel farts like a trucker, loud, long and smelly. So what exactly is it that causes us to fart.


Flatulence happens when there is excessive gas in the stomach and the intestines causing you to burp or fart. One website says that most people produce one to three pints a day and pass gas about fourteen times a day. Excessive farting is not life threatening but it can be embarrassing for most people but not all. Hippocrates claimed that passing gas was necessary to well being and Emperor Claudius decreed that all Romans should fart whenever necessary. In France, in the 1800's, a few entertainers performed on stage, their act, farting at will and at varying degree's of pitch. They performed for sold out shows.


The primary components of gas or flatus are nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane and oxygen which sounds like a pretty leathal combination. The lovely odour is caused by trace elements of skatole, indole and compounds that contain sulfur which is produced by paticular bacteria not found in everyone. This explains why some people don't smell as bad as others. Hydrogen and methane found in flatus is what gives it it's flammable character, so maybe you can light fire to a fart.

The body does not digest and absorb all the carbs we eat such as sugar, starches and fiber so it is passed from the small intestine to the large intestine where harmless bacteria breaks it down producing hydrogen, carbon dioxide and in a third of all people methane. The people producing methane are the stinky few. These gases eventually leave the body through the rectum. Foods that produce gas in one person may not produce gas in another.


So which food should you avoid in order to prevent the unpleasantness of gas? Beans, brussel sprouts, cabbage, broccoli, assparagus and whole grains. Starches found in potatoes, corn, noodles and wheat. Rice does not produce gas. Onions, artichokes and pears as well as beer, red wine and sorbitol which is sugar found in certain foods. Soluble fiber is not broken down in the small intestine and so produces gas. Those people who are lactose intolerant can also suffer from a flatulence problem.


While flatulence may be an embarrassing subject to most people, to some it is not, especially the male population who fart at will, anywhere anytime. Many young men like to make a game of farting seeing who can fart the longest and loudest, letting off SBD's (silent but deadly) in movie theaters and elevators letting others breath in their knoxious fumes. My own son likes to fart in the car then lock all the windows letting his siblings, mother and girl friend bask in his special aroma. Shopping malls are the best places to fart, with all that noise no one can hear you but god help you if you walk through a knoxious cloud. Yes farting may be an embarrassing subject to most, but ultimately in the end it really does feel good to let her rip.

Vodka

A good quality vodka has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it and then hits you right between the eyes. Next thing you know your stumbling around wondering what happened. Vodka was originally known as aqua vitae or water of life and was originally brought to Russia by Genoese merchants passing through Russia on their way to Lithuania. As payment for the governers hospitality the merchants presented him with a few barrels of the spirit which was made of pure fermented grape juice during this time. Since the drink of the day in Russia was beer and mead, they were not impressed.


Aqua vitae made its appearance once again in Russia in 1492 which was touted as a medical cure all. The liquer was too strong to drink on its own and so it was mixed with water. Eventually Russian monestaries started making the alcoholic drink from grain. By the sixth century Russia was producing vodka and carrying it to other countries. At the end of the 15th century Ivan the third put a state monopoly on the production and selling of vodka along with all other spirits so the government made a killing.

In 1533 the first Tsar's kabak was opened which was basically a tavern where alcoholic drinks could be bought. This was patronised mainly by the Tsar's guards. The kabak was very profitable and made the Tsar lots of money with the guards drinking everynight. They also fought and played dice. No food was served so you can imagine how drunk everyone got and thats probably why they fought.


Boris Godunov the first Romanov kept the monopoly on alcohol making it even more rigid and by the seventeenth century the country was racked by revolts including revolts in the kabaks which were caused by the supervisors and their assistants abuse of power. The production and sale of vodka throughout history has changed many times alternating between making leaseholders rich or their rights being withdrawn . It was during the reign of Peter the Great, the reign of the vodka barons started and they were given sole rights to distill wine. By the eighteenth century vodka was not only distilled by the aristocratic barons but was also distilled by the state. The barons were not only allowed to distill vodka they were also exempt of paying taxes on vodka sales. The best vodkas were produced on the properties of aristocrats as they used high quality water cleaning as well as added proteins from milk and egg whites.


The home made vodkas of the day were favoured over the state distilled vodkas. The vodka was distilled three times and water and plant flavours were added as well as cherry, pears, blackberry, dill, acorn and other ingredients. In fact most aristorcratic distillers had their own brands of vodka. During the Patrotic war of 1812 due to the inflation of the rouble the state once again took contoll of vodka distillation in all of Russia except for Siberia. When Napoleon defeated Russia he took vodka back to France where the French took to it like a duck to water.


Before 1885 vodka had been sold in barrels but during this time it was introduced to the public in bottles. During the war with Japan in 1904 to 1905 prohabition was introduced and was only canelled by the Russian government in 1925. During this period the number of alcoholics was also reduced. While vodka did not originate in Russia, Russia made it what it is today.


Vodka is enjoyed by many people around the world, by some more then others. This author thinks that vodka is nector from the gods. Even though it can pack a wallop to the unsuspecting drinker, vodka is a spirit that can be mixed with many other beverages such as fruit juices, soda water with a twist of lime, soft drinks and many more, I know I've tried. It now comes in different flavours such as peach, blackberry, orange and a few other flavours I may not know about. One thing about vodka it has a clean after taste and fixes all ills.

National Toilet Day

So as I was driving my daughter to school today, to sit for her SPM, I was listening to FlyFM, my favorite station by the way, and the morning crew announced that it was national toilet day or something like that. My memory isn't too good these days and I have a tendency to forget little details, you know like waking the kids up in the morning when they ask me to the night before, but thats another story. Today we are going to talk about the toilet and where the hell would we be without it. Could you imagine sleeping with a chamber pot under your bed at night and having to dump it in the morning? Not unlike the China girls as reported in the paper who were throughing their accumulated bags of urine and crap out of their apartment window. Anyways.........

According to one website no one can agree as to who is the inventer of the flush toilet. Credit is usually given to an English man by the name of Thomas Crapper who's name adorned many toilets for many years. Returning soldiers during WWI had christened toilets the "Crapper".

Before the invention of the crapper people dumped where ever they felt like going. Eventually as man built houses he moved his toilet into his compound. Pretty soon outhouses were built or chamber pots were used rather then covering it over with dirt. As man progressed the toilet eventually made it into the house. Man soon had to deal with the smell so man had to come up with a way of disposal immediately after he was done. Toilets were then built over flowing streams and rivers to help dispose of the waste. The first sit down toilets appeared by 2500 BC in Egypt which had linking pipes. Chamber pots were still in use and during Roman times it was not unusual for guests and hosts alike to summon a slave to bring a pot so they could relieve themselves without leaving the room to continue eating and drinking.

By the 1500's AD the world was a cesspool once again with the rich dumping their waste into the water of the poor. Which of coarse led to disease. In 1738 the first flush toilets made their appearance and over the years were fine tuned . By the 1800's a sewer system was developed which helped to dispose of all that crap. From the 1880's unwards emphasis was placed on improving the look of the toilet to what it is today.

Toilet bowls come in all shapes, sizes and colours today and most malls have public toilets which is what FlyFM was talking about today. The question asked by the crew was " What is the funniest thing you have seen on the wall of the public toilet". The walls of public toilets are the canvases of wits and artists the world over. They also act as advertising where people post their phone numbers for whoever is interested. I have to tell you the best little ditty that I saw on the wall of a public toilet was in Canada.

Here I sit lonely hearted

Paid a dime only farted

Yesterday I took a chance

Saved a dime and shit my pants.

Now thats what I call poetry!

Sinister Nursery Rhymes

Nursery rhymes have been passed down through the centuries and sung by children for hundreds of years. While nursery rhymes seem to be harmless children's songs, many people do not know that most nursery rhymes are sinister in origin.

A Classic example is "Ring Around the Rosy". A nursery rhyme sung as children hold hands and skip around in a circle.

"Ring around the rosy

a pocket full of posies

Ashes, ashes

We all fall down".

This rhyme has its origins in English history during the time of the black plague. The black plague swept across Europe in 1665 which wiped out half of the population. The plague was spread by rat bites, rats which originally came from Asia on board cargo ships. Symptoms of the plague started with a fever then a bright red rash made its appearance in the shape of a ring. Of course back then they didn't have the medications we have now to treat the plague and so they carried pouches, or posies as mentioned in the rhyme, filled with sweet smelling herbs as it was thought the plague was started by foul smells. Unfortunately everyone smelled bad back then due to poor bathing habits, they bathed maybe once a year, so if that had been true the whole human race would have been wiped out long ago. Dead bodies were burned in the hopes of preventing further spread of the plague and so the term "Ashes, Ashes" refers to the ashes of the dead.

Another nursery rhyme that dates back to the Middle Ages is "Mary Mary Quite Contrary" actually alludes to King Henry the VIII's daughter, Mary Tudor or Bloody Mary as she was popularly known back then.

"Mary, Mary quite contrary

How does your garden grow

With silver bells and cockle shells

And pretty maids all in a row".

Mary's garden in the rhyme in actual fact refers to graveyards which were being filled daily with dead Protestant martyrs due to the fact that Marry was a staunch Catholic. Silver bells and cockle shells were in fact instruments of torture used on these poor souls in the hopes of persuading them to change their religion. The pretty maids all in a row are in reference to the guillotine otherwise known as "Maidens".

Another nursery rhyme which is sinister in nature is "Jack and Jill", another harmless sounding children's nursery rhyme. In fact "Jack and Jill's roots go back to France in 1795.

"Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after".

So who are Jack and Jill? Jack is actually King Louis XVIII of France and Jill is his wife Marie Antoinette. During the French Revolution or the "reign of terror" as it is known, in 1793, poor King Louis was beheaded; in other words he lost his crown. His Queen, Marie Antoinette followed shortly after. The words of this little rhyme were eventually changed to what it is today in order to give it a happier ending so as not to scare children.

There are many more nursery rhymes which have strange sources and many of the nursery rhymes were in a scary book I had as a child, in fact just looking through the book with its scary pictures made me think of sinister things. I did learn a few rhymes at school as part of my childhood education but not in the classroom, these were learned on the playground. Many are crude, some are racist and some are just plain dirty which is probably why they haven't been written in books and passed down for prosperity. There is one that sticks in my mind though, one which I used to like to recite frequently. What can I say I was a weird kid. I don't know its origins or if it has any hidden meanings though, you be the judge.

"Birdy birdy in the sky

Dropped a white wash in my eye

I'm a big boy, I don't cry

Gee I'm glad that cows don't fly".

New Mother

Motherhood changes everything, as the new mother will eventually find out, in more ways then one. After you give birth you find that you have a new spare tire around your middle that sags, that wasn't there before. If your breast feeding your boobs end up twice even three times their original size. Then your priorities change and as you gaze into the little ones face you turn into a marshmallow.

So it was with my daughter after giving birth to her daughter. She did her confinement at home with me helping out. My daughter has always been a take charge person and that is exactly what she did, she took charge. I am proud to say she is a fine mother, although she did tell me she felt like a cow, what with breast feeding and all and I have witnessed a transformation, a hard ass woman turn into a marshmallow. She told me her daughter has turned her into a clown, because of the funny faces and silly noises she is reduced to making to entertain her child. No more drinking and partying as she is still breast feeding and home from work early so grandma can go home. As much as grandma loves the wee sprite she does have to go home and check on the two teenagers as well as do housework. Mommy is also tired from a hard day at work so doesn't feel much like partying anyway.

Once you have a baby, your life is no longer your own. Baby rules the roost and your schedule is worked around the wee one. No more spontaneity as baby's needs come first. If you want to go out you either have to drag the little one along or find a babysitter. When taking your child out you need to bring everything along except the kitchen sink and sometimes you might even need to take the kitchen sink.

Before going back to work my daughter agonised about leaving the baby as most new mothers do. I told her not worry I'm here for her and by time her maternity leave finishes she won't be able to wait to get back to work. Which pretty much turned out to be true. Mother knows. So now it is the second week since she has returned to work. Last week when I took care of the baby she was really good and slept most of the time. This weekend though she gave her mama hell. I guess it's pay back because her mommy left her with the old one that smells like cigarettes. However you slice it though, once you look into the little ones face everything is OK.