Alcohol and Ciggarettes

Today the price of Alohol and Ciggarettes goes up yet again. What a saaaaad day as they are my only two vices neither of which are good for my health, but what the hell who wants to live forever. Every time the price of ciggarettes goes up I tell my son it's time to quit, but so far can't. I have smoked since the age of 14 so quitting would be like cutting off my right hand. I know, I know there are studies out there that say that smoking causes lung cancer, high blood pressure, enphasema, pre-mature aging of the skin, but to this day I have not been able to quit. Just the thought of quitting makes me smoke more. When I'm stressed out I light up a ciggarette to calm me down. When I get up in the morning, after I have boiled the kettle and thrown the laundry into the washing machine, I make myself a good cup of coffee sit down and light up, and in the wee hours of the morning I sit and smoke and contemplate life. Some of my best ideas (or not )come from this early morning ritual. Now I do not advocate smoking. I always tell my kids not to smoke and so far out of 5 kids only one has given into lure of nicotin. ( I think.) So with the price going up yet again maybe its time to give up my old friend. I hear they now have pills here that you can take to help you quit, cause chewing gum and sucking sweets just doesn't do it for me. The more I think about it the more I want to smoke, maybe I'll wait until the price goes up to Ten dollars. Then we'll see, but if I quit don't ask me to give up alcohol!

Harry Potter

Now I am a huge Harry Potter fan and have read most of the books and so my daughter borrowed the last book 'Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows' from her friend the other week. I had been waiting anxiously for the book to come out and I remember the big hype there was when the book was launched. Your probably wondering why I didn't read it earlier, the fact is I didn't have the time because I was working and I was too cheap to pay the RM100.00 it cost to buy. Now I have read it and I'm so glad that JK Rawlings did not kill off Harry Potter. Poor guy went through so much in his life he deserves to have his happy ending. I was a bit upset when she killed of one of the Weasly twins ( Fred). So now we have to wait for the movie to come out. Frankly speaking I'd rather read the books. The movies somehow do not do justice to the Harry Potter stories. So much of the story is cut out of movies that are in the books that you end up you don't know what the hell is going on and end up scratching your head and going HuH! If they can get the good fight scene in the movie that goes on at the school that would be great. All in all the Harry Potter series is a good read, the actors made millions and so did JK Rawlings. I once read an interview that was done with Rawlings and she complained that Harry Potter had taken up soooo much of her life. All I can say to that is "Suck it up Rawlings!" "Quit whining look at all the millions you made out of Harry. " Here's hoping the movie version will be better.

Reality TV

Since I have been unemployed I have had the opportunity to watch television. I have to say I lovvvve watching tv. I like to watch a good movie or a crime drama show, but now a days they have come out with shows which they call Reality Shows. Now I personally don't like Reality TV, but because of nothing better to watch I get sucked into a few that they show on E Entertainment. First off we have 'Kimora Life In The Fab Lane'. Now this show I don't mind it's nice to see how the other half lives, and Kimora worked for everything she has. She can be temperamental throwing fits here and there but I guess she's entitled once in a while. Her two daughters are cute and pampered but hey if I was in her position I'd probably do the same. The next show that I watch is 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' another entertaining show with lots of high drama. Those girls are real drama queens and throw a shit fit every chance they get. Before this show started no one even knew who they were.Step father Bruce Jenner, who is an Olympic Gold Medalist, was the only person on that show I'd ever heard about. So the Kardasian Girls are famous for what? Maybe their extremely large asses. One thing that irritates me about this show though, is the fact that they are always dumping on the mother and blame her for everything. Now the third show I follow, and I seriously don't know why I even bother is 'Living Lohan'. A seriously ridiculous show following little Ali's so called singing career. This kid seriously cannot sing and if she were to ever audition on 'American Idol' Simmon would kick her butt out. She wants to follow in her sister Lindsey's foot steps but hey no contest there. Her mother is really too much. Pushing her along, has her convinced that this is what she wants to do. "Hey Mom did Lindsey cut you off or something." Now Lindsey is talented especially as an actress but her sister pleaaase. Now I could go on and on about this show, how the mother hires a bunch of yes men and women who tell little Ali how great she sounds. How little Ali throws her little temper tantrums when things don't go her way. This is a classic example of a stage mother trying to push her daughter into the limelight with probably disastrous results. I surely cannot see the kids album hitting the charts and when it doesn't little Ali is going to get the biggest awakening of her life.

Never A Borrower Of A Lender Be

Yesterday my sister in law rang me up out of the blue. Now this is unusual as she never calls me unless she wants something and sure enough she did. " Hi Terry how are you?" she starts out. "Fine" I reply on the cautious side. She then proceeds to ask me where I am and I told her I was at home. " I need to ask you a favour." she says and by now alarm bells are going off in my head cause when ever my husbands family calls me and asks for a favour, it usually involves money. " Well I answer, as I usually do, depends on what it is." I have learned over the years not to automatically say yes. " I need to borrow $2000.00" she says. This is not a small amount, some people don't even earn that much salary. So I informed her that I could not lend her money as I had recently lost my my job. "It's only for 1 week" she says and I think to myself yeah I heard that one before. After my husband died my brother in law got into the habit of borrowing money from me always telling me he'd pay me back in two weeks. Six months later I still hadn't gotten it back. After a while I put my foot down and refused to lend any more. I have always worked since my husband died and I have always been able to take care of my own family with out ever having to go to them for money. So why is it that these people who are single and don't have any responsibilities in the world, especially my sister in law, feel that it is OK to borrow money from me. My sister in law is a selfish person who has never thought of anyone but herself. She has not worked since 1998 and prefers a life of leisure. She spends her time gambling and so this is probably why she needs to borrow money. The night her father died she went on an over night cruise instead of canceling out and was one of the ones complaining she didn't get what was rightfully hers. Well I agree with her there nobody got what was rightfully theirs, but your penniless state is not my problem. Not to say I want to be mean, if I had the money to lend her I would, but I don't. Besides why doesn't she go to her brothers and sisters and ask them, why me. I've always been a bit funny when it comes to money I don't like to ask for it and I don't like to borrow. Probably due to my up bringing. My family never had money and so when I was growing up my sisters and I where terrified to ask our parents for money, cause if you did you either got raked over the coals or had to suffer the look that would kill, and believe me my mothers looks could kill you. I've never been a big spender and have always been on the thrifty side. That's not to say I am cheap cause if I have money I willing give to the kids. I give to charity and beggars. She on the other hand lived the life of O'Reilly never having to worry because her daddy was was always there to pamper and spoil her, and now he's not.

Luck

So have you ever heard that saying 'If it weren't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all', well that apptly describes me. It's not bad enough that I lost my job, but things just seem to get better and better. Monday morning I'm driving Robyn to school and instead of that squealing sound my car makes, my car is now making a flapping sound. Now the squealing sound I had two mechanics check out and one said nothing is wrong and the other said it's a ball bearing problem nothing major and it can be put off until it becomes worse. Ok that's fine with me but as I said monday it started making a weird flapping sound. Nothing seems to be stuck on the under side of the car. Tuesday rolls around and I have a job interview, so in the morning I drive Robyn to school. I hit the traffick light on Teluk Pulai near the Esso station and had to stop for a red light. Once green I proceeded to go. In front of me is a kid on his bicycle and he seems to be going straight ahead, a motorbike is on my left and he to is going straight ahead so I wait for them to go before making my turn. Well the kid decides to make his turn in the middle of the road runs into the motorbike as I was making my turn. Needless to say I had to slam on my brakes so I wouldn't hit the kid, and the guy behind me plows into my car. Now I don't blame the guy behind not really his fault. It was the stupid kid on the bike. My car bumper now has a nice crack in it on the left hand side. The poor guy was obviously going to work so I just took his name and number and let him go. I too was in a hurry as my interview was at 9:30 in the morning. Got home and rushed to get ready. Got out of the house a little after 8am. Luckily the traffick was not too bad. So I'm driving along and I have this habit of checking my speedometer to make sure I'm not speeding and I'll be damned if the speedometer is not working. So my car is not clocking the mileage either. I manage to get to the interview on time I didn't even get lost which is a major feat on my part as I am directionly challanged. I always get lost. The interview went fine I didn't get the job mainly because I am not willing to travel out station. Old Bessy couldn't take it and Robyn and Jordan need a close eye, especially Robyn. They do have an academy there and the lady said she would keep me in mind when she has an opening. Well isn't that great. Sure doesn't help me now does it. So I leave you now with the titles of 3 books written by that famous author Erma Bombeck, which apptly describe my life " The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side", The Grass Grows Greener Over The Septic Tank" and my personal favorite "If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits".

Fun Times In Bangsar

Last night I got a call from an excollegue whom I have not heard from in ages. So after catching up I decide to sms my two bestest friends and inform them of my jobless state. Manjit immediatly smsed be back and informed me that she is presently in Hong Kong visiting her sister but will be back on Saturday lets meet up for a drink at that old favorite Ronnie Q"s. Now Ronnie's is an old mans bar and since we are old ladies we like to go there and sit outside scarfing back a few beers looking at young mens butts as they walk by. My other friend kat called me this morning, which is a total surprise because kat does not phone anyone. She once told Manjit that she never listens to her voice mail cause it costs money. Now I love these two ladies dearly and we first met at Ozmosis. My first job after my husband died. Another dear friend whom I met there passed away a few years ago, which I have mentioned in one of my earlier blogs. So Kat called and asked what happened and I gave her all the sordid details. She agreed that the exbosses son is rude and I don't have to listen to his shit. Then she said don't worry there are lots of jobs out there. I told her I wasn't interested in going back to the Beauty Industry I've had my fill, instead I would like to do typing jobs at home. After catching up on each others lives I informed her that Manjit and I will be meeting up for drinks on Saturday and I asked her to join us. She said she'd try and informed me if she didn't turn up just carry on. This is nothing unusual as Kat doesn't really drink much anymore unless its free. Kat is now retired and over the years, with her husbands shrewed investments they now have a nice little nest egg. Their house is paid up her car is paid up and both her children are now working. Manjit on the other hand is single taking care of her mother so like me still needs to work. Now the 4 of us girls used to like to go out drinking after work and bitch about work. Many a times we had some really good bitching sessions and always ended with kat giving her advice. I learned a lot from kat in the ways of the working world and am grateful for her advice not all of it wanted. My kids hated that I spent my nights drinking there especially on Saturday nights when the drinking went into over drive and we showed up for work on Sundays with terrible hangovers and full schedules. We always made it to work. There were a few nights when I had to call my kids to come and pick me up cause I was seriously too drunk to drive, so they would arrive in pj's cursing their mother. We live in Klang they had to drive all the way to Bangsar. Two had to come so one could drive my car home. Sometimes after drinking beers on Saturday I would decide I wanted to go to Finnigans. Now during that time Finnigans served free booze to the ladies trying to intice the men to go in and drink. Men normally drink more then the ladies. They hadn't counted on me though. So off I'd go. kat and Manjit normally went home so I normally went with one of the younger girls who worked with us. I do not know what gut rot Finnigans was serving up and by that time I did not care. I'd turn up still in my work uniform and when I think of it now I shudder. That was an ugly uniform. As things started to swing we'd start dancing and that is where I learned pole dancing. It was fun and when your half tanked you don't care what people think. So one night I decided to get on a stool and dance no need the pole which was a stupid thing to do, but hey when your drunk you don't think staight. Next thing I knew was I was lying on the floor with people all staring at me and my friend asking me if I was ok. I do not remember falling I do not remember hitting the floor and I felt no pain. After my friend helped me up we decided to leave before I died of embarassment. I don't really remember the drive home I do remember pulling to the side of the road and puking. The next morning I had to work but when I woke up the next morning I was so much in pain, that I had to get out of bed by crawling on my hands and knees. Needless to say I had to call in sick which I never do. No matter how sick I feel I go to work. So when I called in Kat answered the phone so she knew there was something terribly wrong. "Whats wrong" she said. "I fell and hurt my back can't walk." I said, and so she asked me how I fell. "I slipped and fell in the bathroom." I lied, I was too embarrassed to tell her the truth and if I had told her the truth she would have given my the tongue lashing of my life. When I finally got a chance to look at my butt the bruise was the size of my fist and as black as my computer. Needless to say I never went back to Finnigans again and I was in pain for a month. Not long after I resigned from Ozmosis, not because I hated the job but I needed to control my drinking. The problem with working in Bangsar is there is a bar on every corner and it's just too easy to pop in for a few beers after work. It was a few years later that I finally told the girls what had happened and kats typical reply was are you nuts!!!, and Manjit whenever she sees a pole asks me if I feel like dancing.

Family troubles and Bullshit Part 2

It never ceases to amaze me all the bullshit that goes on in my mother in laws house. I always knew that once my father in law passed there would be "Big Trouble in Little China". My father in law has some land and property, any cash he had was gone by time he died. My husbands grandfather had come over from China to earn his fortune and this he did with the help of his 6 sons. My in laws marriage had been an arranged marriage and according to my husband a marriage my father in law had not wanted. Seems he had had his eye on some other girl. So there whole married life was filled with arguing and fighting. My mother in law could never do anything right. She used to go and complain to her two sisters about her husband but they never gave her the support she'd wanted. Her two sisters had been widowed at a young age and so were left to support their own families. They both had thought that my mother in law was a foolish woman to complain because she had a big house to live in, money to spend and the chance to go on many trips. All she had ever wanted was love from her husband and a little respect, which he never gave her. My father in law had been a spiffy dresser and had liked to wear gold rings and expesive watches. He spent many of his days at the stock market buying and selling shares. He was generous with friends outside but stingy with his family, and at night he'd be out drinking with his buddies and womanizing, and so by time the old man died he had gone through several fortunes and the family was left in debt to the hospital. So it began on the 49th day of his death. There was a prayer session and thats when the trouble had started. After the prayers had finished by sister in law married to the idiot came up to my son and informed him that she had not said anything before today. As her husband was the eldest son he should be given my father in laws Directorship and any assets the old man left behind should be divided up amongst the family and she wanted what was rightfully hers. Well did you know that people were laughing at her husband outside, because he had gotten nothing. If she had come up to me, and told me that I would have told her that people have always been laughting at your husband. My son just shot her a look and walked away, he wants no part in all this family feuding. The Directorship in which they are referring to is under my husbands grandfathers company and with the passing of each director, the directorship has been passed down to one of their sons. There is my youngest brother in law whom at the age of 38 has never held a job and has always been given money from his father and it seems his wife thinks he should have the directorship and since they are living in the family home cause all kinds of trouble in order to get their way. He once took in the mail not long after the old mans death. In the post was a statement from Maybank, he opened it up and saw the amount, at the end of the statement was RM13,ooo.oo and after seeing that amount of money went and accused my husbands eldest sister of hiding things from them, well here is the bank statement to prove the old man still has money. It seems what he had actually opened was a credit card statement showing the amount still owed on the old mans credit card. Now this is a man who wants to be a director, he can't even tell the difference between a bank statement and a credit care statement. Now the last contender for the directorship is my husbands second sister. She is now around 45 years of age not married living at home and has not worked since she was retrenched back in 1998. According to her the old man had promised her the directorship and is now really pissed that she did not get it. Seems the first uncle told her that women members of the family cannot be a director and so she wants to sue the company. The directorship has gone to my husbands 5th brother, he is not married but is the one trying to keep everything together. He is the one who deserves it. Now I love my husbands eldest sister, she is married with a family of her own and her life has never been easy. She has always done my father in laws accounts and ever since she has been married she has still gone home everyday, which is a bone of contention with her husband and there in lies what her and her husband argue about most. She in her infinit wisdom decided to put all the assests including the old mans shares from his fathers company into my father in laws company. In her mind this will benefit the whole family. I am quite close to my 5th brother in law, as he is the one who has helped me out in times of need after my husbands death, but there are times when we meet up that I just have to ask him who is benefitting from this decision. Those living in the family home are the only ones benefitting. All the ones still living in the family home who are all unemployed are the only ones benefitting. To my way of thinking everything should just be divided up amongst the share holders of my father in laws company. Up to now I have not said anything and Dawn and Justin have told me not to bother about it as they can take care of our family we don't need them. Which is true, but I still can't get my mind around the fact that the "eldest son of the family" cycled all the way to the office in Port Klang to complain to everyone there that I always go to my mother in laws house and fight with people, so they gave Justin a house. Now I ask you where have I had time to go there and complain when I was working up until a few weeks ago. " Hey Justin did you get a house without telling me?"

Family Troubles and Bullshit

Last February, after 3 months of being in the hospital my father in law passed away, and as it was only 2 days before Chinese New Year we had to bury him fast cause no one will do it on the first day of Chinese New Year. Now anytime my husbands family gets together there is always some kind of bullshit that goes down and so during his funeral Iwas not disappointed. I was informed about my father in laws decline in the afternoon. As our companys annual dinner was to be held that evening I could not rush to the hospital as I was to give some of the girls a ride to the dinner. My eldest daughter and son both left work so that they could be at the hospital in case the old man died. During the dinner I kept expecting the phone to ring informing of my father in laws death, and so around 11:00pm that night the phone call came and I rushed home. Because I was dressed in red, in honour of the New Year, I had to return home first to change into dark clothing, where by reaching my in laws house at midnight. When I got there the only ones there, other then the bunch that that live in the house, were my 5 children as well as Dawns huband Alex. So we sat there till 4 am when I finally decided to go home and get some sleep. It was decided that Justin and Alex would stay there and keep the fire in the urn burning. The next morning I got up around 9 am and got everyone else up to get ready to go over to their grandfathers house. Just as we were about to leave Justin and Alex came back and my son was fuming. Now as I said before my son does not usually bother with all the bullshit that goes on in that house but that morning he could not tolerate it anymore, and because of lack of sleep he got into a fight with one of his uncles. Now this uncle is borderline retarded and how the family married him off is beyond me. He is a twin and I like to tell my kids that he and his twin brother, were born joined at the head, and after being separated they now both share half a brain. He is the one who wants to be in every photograph taken even though he is ugly as sin. He is the one who pushed all the little kids out of the way so he could be center in the bridal photograph picture during my nieces wedding, and so in the morning he is the one who insisted that he had wanted to take a photograph of his dead fathers body before it had been placed in the coffin. And so, the festivities began. My son had fallen asleep and was awoken by all the yelling and screaming going on, so when he came out of the room he found his aunts all grabbing at this insane fellow trying to prevent him from taking the picture. Now my son is a very conservative guy, so to him this was just wrong, and so he to made a grab for the idiot who by now was screaming at the top of his lungs. My sons intention was to throw him out of the house but the fellow fought back and so my son tried to wrestle him to the ground. The more they fought the more the idiot screamed and thats when the aunts got involved, again,trying to drag Justin away from his uncle. With that he escaped from Justin and ran over to the mattress that the old man had been placed on and proceeded to kick the mattress until the old man almost fell on the floor. They finally managed to get the idiot out of the house and after flinging a few choice words at his aunts, Alex and Justin came home. After my son relayed to me what had happened I couldn't help myself I burst out laughing and still have a tendency to laugh when I think of it. It's actually quite sad really. Since my husband had been the eldest son in the family and he is no longer with us his idiot brother is now considered the eldest son in the family because he was the first of the twins to make his entrance into the world. During the funeral prayers and rituals he performed all the duties of the eldest son. His twin brother turned up, a man whose wife and kids left him and did not tell him where they were going, he has a gambling problem. He is in bad health and has trouble with his knees and so I have fond memories of watching the eldest son of the family getting up off his knees after a prayer session, leaving his brother on the ground struggling to get up. He would head to the joss stick urn as quickly as possible and elbow everyone else out of the way so he could be the first to put his joss stick in the urn because he is the eldest son and kept insisting that his son was now the eldest grandson, when in fact my son is the eldest grandson. LOL

Wedding Day

After the Ceremony


Lighting of the eternity candles


The bride rushing the mother in



The Bride and Groom with the grooms parents






The Wedding Invitation






The Bride and Groom




Robyn and Mommy








Grandma giving Dawn a gold chain Justin is helping.






The Wedding Table









Dawn on the front of the wedding car.






Jade and Ronald




Justin and Pei Shin









My family






Robyn and Jordan









Me and my mama in law my brother in law behind









Mother of the bride







Mommy and the bride


Sadly my family could not be there.



Today is the one month anniversary of my eldest daughters wedding. It has been a long time coming and I am happy that she is now married. Maybe now I can get some grandchildren. She and her husband began saving for the big day at the beginning of the year and because they are both so busy they decided to hire a wedding planner, and I have to admit the planners did a good job. During our family dinners we talked about the wedding and many a time had joked about the themes. No traditional wedding for my daughter and since they payed for it themselves and I am a pretty liberal person I just went with the flow. We joked how they could dress as Batman and Batgirl or Superman and Supergirl but ultimately in the end they decided to go for a Punk Wedding. With the anouncement at dinner one night everyone groaned because we did not know how to dress. Ok I'm game for anything and so we all started planning on what we would wear. They registered their marriage in May so were legally married by time the wedding dinner rolled around. Her husband had been freaking about how he was going to explain it to his parents and I told him I didn't think they would mind, they'll just be happy your finally getting married. After all they have both been living together for the past 2 years, time to make it legal. The day before the wedding I had taken Robyn and Jordan out to get their clothes and shoes. We went to Sungai Wang on a Friday afternoon and after fighting the traffic jam which is normal on fridays we managed to get there by 2:30 in the afternoon. Didn't leave much time for shopping. After much bitching and complaining ( on my part) we managed to get Jordans outfit. Robyn already had her outfit compliments from her sister Dawn ( the bride) so we only had to buy her, her shoes. I had a dress I'd planned to wear and punk up so I only needed shoes. Of course in the whole of Sungai Wang we could not find shoes and so on the way home we stopped off at Bukit Raja Jusco in Klang where Robyn found her shoes. Figures. I still could not find shoes and because it was getting late I decided to go back into Klang town the next morning to buy my shoes. I had decided to get up early and go. Well you know what they say about best layed plans. The day of the wedding arrived bright and sunny. I had been worried about rain, as for the past few months it had rained almost everyday. The weather was great not too hot and a nice breeze, the kind of day I like. When I had gotten downstairs I found a Mcdonalds big breakfast and so I knew that Jade had made it back from Singapore were she had gone the week before to start a new job. After dragging ass and getting the housework done I sat down and ate my breakfast then went up to take a shower, time was flying by fast and I didn't know how long it would take to buy my shoes. As I was about to close my bedroom door Jade came out of her room to us my toilet and of course to talk. By 11 am I finally got in the shower. Now I really had to hurry because I had to send Robyn to the hairdressers to do her hair, we were thinking along the lines of Amy Winehouse. I got into Klang in a short time and managed to get everything I needed, but by the time I had wanted to leave, the traffic was a hellish mess. Klang is going through some road renovation and I also heard they are building a new flyover to ease congestion, and so it took me almost and hour and a half to get home. While I was cursing and swearing in my car I called Robyn and asked her to walk to the hairdressers do her hair and I would pick her up on the way back as well as pay. The walk from our house to said hairdresser is less then 5 minitues and so she started bitching and complaining about walking. I hung up on her mid rant. A few minutes later I called her back and told her to have her shower and wash her hair and I would send her there. I finally made it home at 2:00 in the afternoon waited outide for her to get in the car and I drove her to the hairdresser. Once there we ran upstairs and of course he was busy so I told him what I wanted and asked if she could be done by 2:30. He said yes so I paid him first and left to go home and do a few things. I had been home around 15 mins when Jade and Ronald (her boyfriend) came back from their shopping excursion. She had bought their outfits in Singapore but still handn't bought shoes so they too had needed to go out. By 2:30 Robyn was done and Ronald went to fetch so I could go upstairs and get ready. The Ceramony was to start at 4:00 and I didn't want to be late. My family, when we go out enmass are always late. Justin and Jade are notorious for dragging ass. So by the time I was finished my shower I had the two girls in the room with me and Jordan all trying to get ready. Now you can imagine 4 people all wanting to use the same room and mirror, Ronald was waiting to use Justins shower cause he was inside doing god knows what. We were supposed to have left Klang at 3:00 but didn't leave til 3:30 and by that time Iwas fuming. We took two cars Jade, Ronald, Robyn and Jordan in one car and Me and Justin in his car as we had to pick up my sister in law and my husbands cousin as well as Justins girlfriend who'd been frantically calling for the past half hour. And so just to add to our lateness my son took the most congested road out of Klang thinking it would be faster. He forgot about all the traffick lights on that route. I told Justin to call his sister to tell her we would be late. So I sat in stoney silence all the way to KL where the wedding would be held, with my sister in law and her cousin yammering in the back seat none stop the whole way and my son cracking wise ass jokes. With my husbands family you can never get a word in edge wise so its best to shut up and listen Entering a conversation with them is like crossing a busy street, always waiting for a break in traffick. We finally managed to get there around 5:00, the last to show up. Only a few had been invited for the exchanging of vows. More would eventually come for the dinner. I got out of the car and walked into the resturant appolagising all the way. When I had gotten half way in I was confronted with waiters bearing drinks. There were orange colored drinks and blue colored drinks and I was asked if I would like one. The first question out of my mouth was got alcohol? Yes one replied and so I said give me one with alcohol, because by that time I really needed it. By the time Dawn and Alex drove up I had already scarfed down three drinks. Luckily it hadn't been any more then that because I was to give the bride away. The ceremony was beautiful and because my daughter is Buhhdist and Alex is a Christian they had a none religious ceremony. They exchanged hand written vows in front of close family and friends. After the ceremony was over Dawn yelled "let"s get drunk!" and of course her mother was the only one to yell back "hell yeah!" The wedding had been planned for everyone to have a good time and get totally drunk and in that sense I did not dissapoint, and so since Dawn in her foresight had rented a service apartment for her family to crash we all got wiped. After all Dawn will be 32 this year and I had fear of her never getting married, so her wedding was cause for celebration. That night I was a social butterfly, always flitting around never without a drink and I am surprised that I walked out on my own two feet. The next morning though I got up looking like I had been through the wars. The biggest hang over in a long time. As everyone slowly started to wake the next day we started talking about the night before and all the embarrassing things that mommy did. Luckily I do not remember most of it. Jade and Ronald had gone home that night so had not stayed in the service apartment. The next day was Sunday and so we went for our family dinner, no beer. We sat and ate and talked about the wedding and all the funny things that happend, when out of the blue Jade started to laugh. We all just looked at her like she had gone nuts or something because nothing funny had been said. At that she announced laughing uncontrolably " Mom You Farted last night and told everyone!" "No I didn't!" I replied indignantly. I would rather hold it in and let my eyes pop out rather then fart in front of strangers."Yes you did she cried, after dancing in your stockining feet, you sat down to put your shoes back on and farted and told everyone, and everyone was plugging their noses!" I am mortified. I do not remember dancing in my stocking feet ( no wonder my socks where filthy) and hopefully I did not swing from the lights or do any other stupid things, but I have to say any other stupid thing I did would not be so embarassing as farting in front of strangers.

Turning 50

So Madonna turns 50 today. Everyone says how great she looks for her age. I recently saw an unflatering pictiure of her in the newpaper. Her face is all boney and angular and her body is all ropey and stringy looking, but she's in great shape. Madonna and I have one thing in common, we both turn 50 this year. There the similarity ends. Madonna has the energy to dance around the stage for hours on end during her sell out concerts. I on the other hand can barely climb out of bed. Once up I drag my ass around trying to get the daily chores done. I used to be quite fast at getting things done but no more. Every day there is a new ache in my body and the old ones get more achy. I stopped dying my hair as I get fed up with having to retouch every 6 weeks. So now I go around au natural. People I haven't seen in a while ask me if I've changed my hair color. Nope I answer I've gone back to my roots. My hair is now dark brown, salted with grey and it looks like I have streaks. I don't like to think of it as grey but prefer to think of it as going naturally blonde. My eyebags are huge and no eye cream on this planet can help me. Sometimes friends will tell me how great an eye cream is, and I just tell them that the only thing that can help me now is surgery. I've heard that Preperation H hemmroid cream is good but I haven't been able to find it here in Malaysia. The Draining and Firming Cold gel that my ex company sells is pretty good. It's a slimming cold gel,and one night in a moment of madness I applied a bit to my eye bags and the next morning they had shrunk. It stings like hell but hey anything for beauty right. Then there is the matter of menopause. I started a few years ago and let me tell you it is not fun. Oprah and her panel of experts say that menopause is great that you are entering a new faze of your life embrace it. Rigggght. How do you embrace the mood swings and the crying jags, for no apparent reason. The hot flashes that creap up on you when you least expect them. Its like having extreme heat slowly creap up your body, and then there is the incesant sweating. Oh and look in the mirror and suddenly spot some strange black hair growing on your chin that you keep pulling out, only to spot it again a week later. You look down at your once lovely legs and wonder were the hell did all those veins come from. They weren't there before. The best thing of all though is loss of labido. You become a dried out prune with no interest in sex at all. No wonder men stray when their wives turn 50. Menopause isn't all bad though, you can say what you want and don't give a crap what people think. You can be opinionated and cantankerous, and the best part of all is being free of that visitor that comes every month. Maybe I should start exercising and eating more healthy and quit smoking and drinking. Wait what am I saying I need the smoking and drinking just to get through menopause.

Bangsar

Today is Saturday so I got up late this morning. Don't need to send Robyn to school today. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my coffee and having the first ciggie of the day I just got this over whelming feeling of dread. Dread of being jobbless and winding up on the streets as a begger. Now I know that my kids would never let that happen, but the mind is a funny thing in the way that it works, sometimes things pop in unconsiously. I've always had bouts of depression and now that I am going through menopause depression comes more frequently. Tonight I was supposed to meet up with an ex-collegue of mine, so I just smsed her to see if we are still on. I thought going to Bangsar would be fun I haven't been there in ages. Unfortunatly she has to cancel because she has a fever. Oh "Boo Hiss" was looking forward to Bangsar tonight, I have dropped many a leg hairs there. My first job, after my husband died was in Bangsar, in a newly opened day spa. As I have mentioned I am a Beauty Therpist by trade and this day spa is where I perfected my massage. I have fond memories of this day spa as this is were I met my first real friends in Malaysia. We were all women over the age of 40 and the thing that drew us together was alchohol. We all liked to drink, a lot. One of the girls in paticular I was especially close to, has passed away already and I dearly miss her as she was the most fun of all. We would sit for hours and hours after work swigging back beers and bitching about work or anything else that pissed us off. Now I don't know what it is ,but I seem to have the worst luck when it comes to bosses. My boss in this day spa was French and she is married to an English man. They now have many resturants around Malaysia but still only one day spa, right in the heart of Bangsar. So my French lady boss is a drunk. Now I like my drinks but I do not start drinking at 12 o'clock in the afternoon. She'd arrive at the spa after her work out smelling of stale sweat and bad breath, cause she never brushed her teeth until she'd had her shower at the spa. So you can imagine the smell of stale wine and ciggarettes wafting out of her mouth after waking up in the morning. She was always on a diet and excercising trying to loose weight and I felt like telling her to just stop drinking all that wine and she'd drop at least 10 lbs. After her shower she'd head straight down to the resturant and there she'd start in on the wine. When you and your husband own a bar I guess temptation is too great. Not to mention her husband was a real rake and had a pention for Indian girls. That was an going joke around the spa amongst us girls, her husbands latest conquest. Deep down though we did feel sorry for her. She was not a mean woman, just a little stupid on how to run her business and said the most outrageous things to us. I remember the time I hurt my back, she offered to pay for me to have x-rays done, so I do not have any grudges against her, but the things that went on while I was working had us all in stitches. There was the time my friend had the morning shift and when she went to open the spa one morning, found that the door was unlocked, the lights were on and so was the air-con. The pillows on the couch were in a mess. We all knew that when we left the night before that every thing had been turned off and everything was neat as a pin. My friend immediatly called the boss and told her so that we wouldn't get blamed for being careless. Covering our asses so to speak. A little later she came into the spa and gave us all the third degree. We all denied it was us and so she left. Later in the afternoon she came up to the spa half loaded and informed us all she knew who the culprit was but declined to elaborate. After she left we just looked at each other cause we had already decided who the culprit was or at least we speculated, we all figured it had been her husband who had brought up his latest conquest the night before, both had left in a drunken stupor and had left the evidence behind. I say, if you want to cheat on your wife better clean up the evidence. Every now and then she and her husband would go away on retreats to detox. They'd come back looking fresh, she'd have lost a few pounds, acting like a love besotted teenager. It wouldn't last long though. One episode really comes to mind though. She had come up after her workout and had wanted to do her bikini line waxing. Now she could not take pain and she only allowed my friend to do her waxings. My friend was extremely experienced, in fact at one time had had her own salon, and so when the boss requested she do her waxing my friend pulled a face. It didn't take long and afterwards the boss went for her shower. While she was showering my friend came up to me and said that was the worst bloody experience she'd ever had. It seems the boss had smelled like old goats cheese and had love bites on her inner thighs. "Sorry", she had said to my friend, but my husband was a bit naughty last night.", and so we'd started laughing. We were both wondering how her husband could stand to get his face up close in the first place. My boss had a few crazy drunken friends and we got to know them all, and there is another time that comes to mind about the time the company decided to close for the day and have a day for all the employees. They had decided to take everyone go cart racing for the day and afterwards go back to the resturant for food and drink. Drink was always provided and thats why we loved that company. My friend and I had decided not to go, go cart racing,I because I avoid the sun like the plague, so the two of us were told that we'd have to work for that day and could close the spa at 6 pm. So the two of sat there the whole doing nothing. At 6 pm we joined the party and started drinking. By the time we got there everyone was loaded. My friend had a few drinks and left my other friend had left earlier and so I was left behind with the Spa Manager, my boss and her friend. So there we were slugging them back having a grand old time, I got into an argument with the manager and after a while she left. Towards the end of the festivities I was at the bar drinking with my bosses good friend. Now this lady is very nice but that night she was extremely high and it wasn't long after we started talking that they informed us there was no more booze time to go home. So she whips out her handphone and calls her husband to come and collect her. As I was sitting quite close to her I could hear her husband yelling at her on the phone. She hung up and informed me that her husband would not come and pick her up, he told her to get a cab back. Now she was falling down drunk and I felt sorry for her so I took her down to the street and hailed a cab for her and told the driver where to take her. I could not take her because at that time I was not familiar with the roads around Damansara Heights and would have got lost. I am directionally challanged. Nothing really funny happened during this episode that comes to mind now. This lady has 2 handsome sons a handsome husband and some money so I figured her life was pretty ok. I guess appearances can be decieving though because a few months after that night, I started thinking that I had not seen her in a while. So I asked around to see if anyone had seen her. The rumour was that she had left her husband and gone back to England with her female lover. Just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by its cover cause I would never have pegged her as a lesbian in a million years.

Kevin Cowherd

This morning I was up early as usual but today is different as I had to drive over to my mother in laws house to pick up the food for prayers. It is now the hungry ghost month so we must pray to the dead, whom of which would be my husband. Before arriving home I stopped off at the local Kedai to buy my ciggies and a newspaper so I can continue my hunt for a new job, and such a joy that is. After setting up all the food in front of the alter and lighting the joss sticks I switched on my computer and as usual I couldn't log on to Streamyx. Even after upgrading we still have trouble logging onto bloody streamyx and its so annoying. I decided then to sit down with my coffee and read my paper. The boy was still sleeping and the girl was at school so the house was peaceful, which I do so appreciate. As I was almost finishing I came to Kevin Cowherd's column. I do so lovvvvvvvve Kevin Cowherd. His sense of humour is the same as mine and I like to think that if we ever met we'd get along like a house on fire. I'd marry Kevin Cowherd if I could, unfortunatly he's already tied down. So in his usual sarcastic wit he was lombasting Oprah. I love Oprah. Now during my jobless days I can watch her show in the afternoon. I admire that woman who, from nothing became the most influential woman in America. I'd often dream about publishing a book and having it mentioned on Oprah and becoming an overnight most read book. Her Christmas shows are the greatest. The people in the audience are so lucky to be there and they always recieve fantastic gifts. The kids and I always watch her christmas show and drool with envy at all the lovely gifts everyone gets and usually one 0f the kids would pipe up "Why can't we be on Oprah?", and my reply is always "Because we live in Malaysia duuuuuuuuuh." "The cost to fly there would be almost as much as what the gifts are worth." So getting back to Kevin, why is he lombasting Oprah?, not because of her, herself ,but because of her magazine and I guess I have to agree with him. He has issues about Oprah always being on the cover of her magazine looking all glowing and designer togged. Well I've never had the chance to read her O magazine because in Malaysia it costs an arm and a leg, so I wouldn't know if her picture is always on the cover, but to have your own picture on the cover of your own magazine month after month seems a bit narsacisstic. That sounds like something my ex boss would do. Wearing designer clothes and accessories to an office that looks like shit and not enough computers to go around,then has the audacity to complain about the high electric bills during the Monday Morning Meetings.

Why Do These Things Always Happen To Me

So this morning I got up as usual at 6 am to take my daughter to school. After sweeping and mopping the floor I was sweating like a pig. The weather lately has been really hot and I also think the sweating is due to Menopause.We'll get to menopause later. Anyways after she was ready we got in the car and I switched on the lovely air-con. Oh the joy of that cool cool air blowing on you when your sweating. Of course my daughter always bitches it's too cold, but this morning I noticed it was not too cold and I asked her "Does the air con feel cold to you?" "No she says."so that confirms it, there's something wrong with the air-con. Great I thought. Now I love my car. The poor old thing is now 10 years old so of course you can expect a few things to break down. Like back in May I forked out around $1,300.00 to fix him. That really hurt. It wouldn't be so bad except everytime I go to My Machanic he tells me my car is a piece of shit and it's time to buy a new one. Well the trouble with having a white face in an Asian country, they think your rolling in dough. So I ask you if I were rolling in dough do you think I would have worked at that crappy company that fired me?! I think not. I was thinking maybe the air con needs gas, so once I got home I finished the rest of the daily chores had a shower and headed over to my mother in laws house cause there were prayers for my father in law which my brother in law informed me about yesterday. Now the old man died this past February and every time I turn around there are prayers for him. Ok I understand that Chinese tradition dictates that you must pray for the desceased but even by Chinese tradition this just seems obsessive. Had something to eat listened to family bitching then headed over to My Machanic. So I get there and they started checking the car and after telling me my car is a piece of crap, said that the air con compressor is spoiled. I had 3 options. Number 1: I could install a brand new compressor which would cost me over 500 bucks, Number 2: I could install a second hand compressor which would cost me 230 bucks or I could choose Number 3: sell off the crappy car and buy a new one. Of course I chose number 2. The second hand compressor with one months warranty. Really can't afford a new car, but I do love that car. Then I asked the machanic how long it would take and he said 1 hour. Then I checked my wallet to see how much money was actually inside cause I didn't take my check book. Ok 250 bucks there should be enough so I said go ahead. After waiting there an hour the car was finally finished and I was presented with the bill $300.00. Off course there are always other things included the compressor cost $230.00, the service charge $30.00 and spraying was $40.00. Luckily my mechanic knows me well so I said to him I don't have enough money is it ok for me to go to the ATM and withdraw. Can Aunty, he said ,no need rush. I thought that was pretty nice of him he didn't hold anything hostage until I got back, or follow me to the ATM machine, but then again I've spent so much money at his place I should have shares there already.

Monday Morning Meetings

I know I know I keep going on about that job, but hey this is my way of venting. Every monday morning we had our meeting which all the staff must attend no excuses. Hell you can't even take your annual leave on that day. It wouldn't be so bad attending the meetings if anything relevant was said or done during said meetings. When I first started with the company I only went to HQ once a week and that was to attend Monday Morning Meetings. The rest of the time I was at our outlets keeping an eye on the girls, motivating them to do sales and of course boost sales. Now I have to say its pretty hard to motivate people when you yourself do not feel motivated. Now to me when it comes to doing sales I say it takes a special breed, in other words they need to grow an extra layer of skin. I really do salute those sales people around the world. Eventually said company opened some counters in some high class shopping complexes to get their products out there. Create brand awareness so to speak, and there they threw me. To look after one of the counters. They hauled me into the office (which was not a monday morning) and told me that I would be in charge of one of their most prestigious places. Well those places didn't make money cause there were hardly any people in those complexes. So with the counters not making money I was raked over the coals every few weeks. I finally burned out my blood pressure went up up up and so I was brought back into HQ as a trainer which was the job I had originally applied for. So back to our Monday Morning Meeting I cannot believe the most anal things that were said, and the best one that comes to my mind was the time the Matriach of the company was fed up with seeing everyones messy desk. So she sat there started talking about the messy desks. Of course I had to pipe up that hey if the desk is messy people must be working hard. She shoots back no she works harder then anyone here and her desk is not messy. Then she gets personnal. "If I went to everyone's house, before I even went in I could tell wether that persons house was messy or not." Well its a good thing I'd never invite her to my house I thought. I am a neat person but when your working some things just fall to the wayside. Then she continues " If you came to my house you would see that my house is neat and tidy nothing out of place not even a pillow on the couch. If I were to see a speck of dust anywhere I get my maid to clean it up. With that all eyes rolled to the ceiling and we were pinching each on the thigh, I of course was laughing on the other side of my face. This from a woman whose cleaning lady at the office must serve her, her tea. The only time she comes out of the office is to pee and if she could get the cleaning lady to do that for her, well hell she would and before she arrives at the office one of the general workers must wait for her to open her door and carry her things up. Yep will sure miss those monday morning meetings with all that audacity and crap.

Seat Belts In The Back Seat

Well the Malaysian government is trying to get everyone in the country to use seat belts in the back of the car. After hearing that one I just laughed, come on this is Malaysia where motorcyclists drive around without helmets. I remember 10 years back my mom and 2 of my sisters came to give me moral support after my husband died. They also tried to convince me to go back to Canada as well. So of course like the good daughter and sister I am,I took them around sight seeing. Well they saw a lot of sights disagreed with the food and freaked out everytime we sat at a traffic light. Once the light turned green we were surround by a posse of motorcyclists.They were reving their engines and swarming in and out and cutting in front of everyone. A typical sight in Malaysia. And what about the sight of mother, father, one small kid and a baby all sitting on a motorbike. Now that freaked them out more. In Canada the hospital won't even let you leave with the baby until you can prove that you have a car seat for the little thing. In Canada you must buckle up in the back. So only 4 people allowed in the car. When you get your licence for the first 2 years you must drive with a licenced driver in the car and stay off the main roads. A DUI can get your licence taken away for what is it 1 year. Automatically. Thats probably why most Canadians only have 2 kids, any more then that they'd need to buy a bus. So I know the young Malaysians are not having many kids now a days but there still are those ones that do have 3, 4, 5 hell even 10 kids. So how is everyone going to go shopping? And how are we going to change the Malaysian way of thinking. The first time I came to Malaysia we drove to Singapore from KL which was a 4-5 hour trip back then with at least 7 people in the car.
So what is all this nonsense about buckling up in the back. I just shake my head and laugh.

Friends???

I just read someones blog where by she talks about over hearing someones conversation at lunch. Apparently the girl wanted to leave her job and the guy was offering to help her find a new one and lend her money if need be. Now that was a really nice story. I remember when I lost my job last week, yes its been one week today, as my boss was yelling at me in front of the whole office no one offered me that kind of support. When I looked around they all had their faces buried in their computers acting like nothing was going on. One guy beside me did whisper at me "what happened?" My most closest collegue whispered I'll call you tonight. Which she did after I smsed her. By that time I was fully loaded and started venting. I have never had close friends. With close friends you have to cultivate the relationship and work on it and the very few close friends that I have had, ultimatly disappointed me. So I go on through life avoiding becoming too close to other people. At work I do make friends with people but once I leave we never comunicate again. I am basically a loner. While I am good at PR I perfer not to interface with strangers. I like my alone time. The best part of my day was always the drive home from work alone in my car the radio blasting away where I could get lost in my own thoughts. The best ideas come when I'm alone with my thoughts. I have to say though that I have gotten a few smses from people I used to work for saying How are U and You ok and the best one How come your resigned. Seems the bosses are putting it around the office that I resigned. Good one. I got another sms from one excollegue who wrote Heard you got out of that hell of an office. When I told her what actually happened she wrote Your boss is a immature fag. Never mind you can stay at home be a mom again and let your kids support you. Nice thought hope my kids read this.

What Is It About Teenagers

So what is it about teenagers, I ask you. Yesterday as I was zoning out on the couch my daughter asks me if she can go to Aeon (thats a local shopping complex). Straight away I said no. Why not she whines at me. Well I said "I just lost my job and have no money coming in." Now teenagers have a way of filtering out data that they don't want to hear. So in her 15 year old brain she probably heard "my job money coming in" and she's probably thinking lots of it. So she goes back to smsing her friend. About an hour later a few of her guy friends stopped by to borrow a dvd which it turns out was lent out to someone else so it was a wasted trip for them. Thats another thing why is it everytime they lend out a dvd its gone forever. I mean they lend it to one friend and then that friend will lend it to another friend and that friend will lend it to another and thats it you never see that sucker again. Now I don't mind but when I actually haven't seen said dvd its a little annoying. Anyway back to what I was saying. After chilling for a while her friends decided to leave, at that point her brother walks down the stairs and her friends ask him to go out to eat with them. My son goes to the kitchen and comes back to the living room with 10 dollars wagging in his hand. Ma, he says I took 10 bucks from your wallet to go and eat. So I just shot him a look and said " so I guess I don't need to cook dinner tonight?" Which is actually not a bad thing cause I really hate cooking. So while all this was going on my daughter had bugged me to pluck her eyebrows, squeeze out her nasty blackheads and after that for good measure I put a sheet mask on her face. Her guy friends thought that was hilarious so one of them whipped out his camera phone and took pictures of her. After that the 3 boys decided to leave but bebfore they left she says to me Mom ah my friend is coming to pick me up to go to Aeon. So I just shot her a look that is reserved especially for her. She figured I wouldn't start yelling at her in front of her 2 guy friends. She was right. Besides by that time I couldn't be bothered to fight with her. So off she goes to take off her mask and shower. Once showered and all dressed up as her friend is waiting outside she says to me on her way out Ma I took 2o bucks from your wallet. So that was it I was out 50 bucks for that day. Your probably thinking right now can this woman add I only calculated 3o bucks. Forgot to mention that earlier my son bugged me to buy him an extention cord so he could hook up his computer in his room, by which I had to drive him out to get said extention cord at a local hardware shop where it cost me 20 bucks. 20 bucks I said after he told me the price and held up the extention cord. You could have bought the same bloody thing in Tesco for $9.90.

The Best Thing About Being Jobless

So the best thing about being jobless is you get to mope around on the couch all day asking why me. I still have to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning to fetch my daughter to school but hey the whole day stretches out ahead of you. You could clean the house from top to bottom not. Thats just boring. I mean I do the day to day chores of washing clothes and hanging them, sweeping and mopping the floor (my daily exercise, anything more is just too much.) I mean I'm not over weight by any means stress just burns off the fat. You get to smoke more then you did when you were employed, thats fun and towards the end of the day you can swig back a few vodkas and not worry about going to work the next day with a hangover. I get to go online ( when the kids are at school, cause when their around I'm lucky if I get near the computer) and look for ways to earn money online without ever leaving my house. Righhhhht. Haven't found a good site yet that doesn't ask you to pay up first for their expert advice. Which I did do once, have regretted it ever since. Everytime I go for online surveys they are only ever valid in the US of A. Hey but thats ok I keep trying. The next best thing to do is look for legitimate jobs. At my age it may take a while. I am a Beauty Therapist by trade. I can do facials, waxing, eyebrow shaping, slimming treatments and I give a mean body massage. I mean most of my special request were from men who also asked for extra services which I politely declined, but thats another story. I'm tired of the beauty industry. The job that I was asked to leave I was actually a trainer. So I trained girls to do facials , waxings, eyebrow shaping, slimming treatments and massage. It was actually soooooooo boring. Just didn't challenge my mind. Well time to go it is now 5:52 pm getting on time for the Happy Hour. Lord I do need it.

Suddenly Jobless

Sometimes I think life is not fair. One moment you have a job and the next moment you don't. Not that I loved the company I did not, but it was a job to support myself and the two kids left at home. Life has not always been easy. My husband died leaving me with 5 kids and while 3 of them are now settled there are still two more left to prepare for that cold cruel world outside. Not that I chose to leave but when the bosses son calls you up and tells you he hates your fucking face and can't stand your fucking attitude its time to call it a day. So I walked out of the office while he was in midrant. After which he came storming out and asked me to leave straight away. I noticed though he didn't curse at me in front of the other staff. Must be bad for moral. Anyways I yelled back " don't worry I'm leaving ", packed up my things and left with dignity. Do I want revenge, so would love it. I am still fuming at his unjust treatment. Does he think he is god and above the law. Yes he does and his father is the same. You see the front door of that company has a revolving door. Staff come and go on a regular basis. Some start one day and the next day they don't turn up. When ever a new staff starts we take bets in the office on how long they will last. This company calls itself Worldwide and yet they just haven't reached that level yet. How can a company truly grow when the staff keeps leaving. Everytime a new staff starts they can't find anything or don't know what to do. Loads of work is piled on them so they become worried and don't turn up the next day. This happens time and again and then they wonder why things don't get done. My hats off to the bosses they are the most anal family bussines I have ever worked. Good luck to you and I hope you all get what you deserve one day and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.